


The Edge of Glory

by gingerfic



Series: Bi Blaine AU [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Canonical Character Death - Finn Hudson, College, Coming of Age, Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, NYADA, Taking Chances, angsty bits, figuring out life, klaine is mostly platonic, mostly lots of relationships, or trying to be, roommate shenanigans, schmoopy bits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-01 04:53:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8608897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerfic/pseuds/gingerfic
Summary: After Kurt graduated from high school he left behind his family and friends to take his chances with the big city. Big dreams and sheer gutsiness were always enough to get him through in Lima, but this is New York City, and he’s going to have to up his game. Will he be able to find a path to his dreams? Opportunities and relationships will bring him to the edge more than once, but what he learns and what he chooses may surprise everyone, including himself.(Almost) canon-compliant through season 3; an alternate version of Kurt’s first year in NYC, and what he found there.A companion story to “I Kissed a Girl”Written for the Kurt Hummel Big Bang 2016Beta by flowerfan.Art by goldenslumber Masterpost on tumblr (with art)





	1. There Ain't No Reason You And Me Should Be Alone (prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to “[I Kissed a Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5742652/chapters/13232806),” which follows Blaine through his senior year. I hope you’ll read that one first, but if you choose not to, here are the things you need to know: it closely follows canon except that Blaine is bisexual; Kurt and Blaine still started dating at the same time, and this story begins in the summer after Kurt graduates from high school.  
> This is Kurt’s story.

It was one of those lazy days in late summer when the excitement of the break had mostly worn off but it wasn’t quite time to start thinking about school yet. A slight breeze kept the afternoon from being too hot, and ruffled the leaves of the tree above with a gentle rustling noise.

Kurt was sitting on a blanket under a tree in the park, with his back against a carefully-arranged duffel bag because he didn’t trust the tree to not get sap on his clothing. He was reading the latest issue of Vogue. Blaine was sprawled on the blanket on his stomach with his knees bent and his feet in the air waving back and forth. He shook with silent laughter now and then at something in his comic book. They didn’t touch each other--not in public--but Kurt always felt calm and content with Blaine beside him.

“Hey,” Kurt nudged his boyfriend with his toe.

Blaine rolled onto his side to look back at him. “Yeah?”

“Do you ever worry about the future?”

Blaine scrunched up his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, I always thought I’d have everything lined up for my future before I left high school, but since, you know--” (he didn’t have to name NYADA or mention the rejection; Blaine knew). “I just feel sort of adrift. I still want to go to New York, but nothing went the way it was supposed to and--”

“Hey, hey,” Blaine sat up and reached his hand out to grasp Kurt’s briefly. “You should still go. There’s more in New York than just NYADA, Kurt. And I know you: it’s going to kill you to still be here when Rachel goes.”

Kurt gave him a wry smile. Yeah, it was hard enough to have his dream of NYADA dashed to pieces without having to watch one of his best friends living the exact same dream (and undoubtedly telling him about it on a regular basis).

“You are meant for something so much bigger than Lima, Ohio. We both know that.”

Kurt nodded, even though he wasn’t really feeling it.

“Hey…” Blaine brushed his fingertips across Kurt’s knee for the briefest of moments.

Kurt sighed, long and drawn out. “I know, I know--” he hesitated, searching for the words. “I know I can apply again for next semester, but it just...it wasn’t supposed to be this complicated.”

“It doesn’t have to be complicated,” Blaine murmured beside him. “Go to New York. You still want to, don’t you?”

“Yes.” It came out automatically, and Kurt was almost surprised to realize that it was completely true.

“You can get a job, you can apply to schools, you don’t have to have everything figured out before you go,” Blaine urged.

“Blaine--”

“There’s no reason for you to stay here, Kurt.”

Blaine’s voice was so earnest that anyone who didn’t know him well would have thought he meant it. But Kurt knew Blaine better than anyone, and he could hear the slight tremor in his boyfriend’s voice, and see the wetness starting to glisten in his gaze.

“No reason?”

Blaine shook his head.

“What about you, Blaine? What about us?”

Blaine’s voice did crack this time. “Don’t let what is here keep you from reaching what is there, Kurt. I love you. I’ll still be around.”

* * *

There were many conversations in the days and weeks that followed, and while they were neither simple nor short, they all settled on the same conclusion: Kurt and Blaine would officially break up when Kurt moved to New York.

It wasn’t that they wanted to break up really: they were still very much in love, and Kurt’s daydreams of spending his lifetime with Blaine hadn’t really changed, but they knew that long distance relationships were hard, and it seemed like the wiser choice.

“We’re both so young,” Kurt repeated to himself in the mirror as he went through his evening skincare routine a little more aggressively than normal; trusting on the routine to calm himself. “It’s not fair to either one of us to be tied to a long-distance boyfriend right now. It would be too lonely. It’s better for us to just be friends.”

“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself,” Burt’s voice interrupted his stream of thought, and Kurt refocused his gaze to notice that his father was standing in the doorway behind him, leaning against the frame.

“Sorry kid, I didn’t mean to startle you. The door was open though and I heard ya talkin’ to yourself.”

Kurt nodded once in acknowledgement, and Burt stepped into the room as he continued.

“I know you’re apprehensive about going to New York. It’s a big step and that kinda thing can be scary, even when it’s exciting at the same time.” Burt sat gingerly on the edge of Kurt’s bed and Kurt turned to face him.

“Am I doing the right thing dad?”

“Goin’ to New York? Kurt, you’ve wanted to go out into the world and be somethin’ special since forever. You sure as hell won’t be able to do that in Lima, so of course you should go to New York--”

“I mean breaking up with Blaine,” Kurt interrupted. “We keep talking about it and it makes sense in my head…”

“But not in your heart?”

Kurt nodded, glad that (as usual) his father could perceive what he meant, even if he hadn’t gotten the words out yet.

Burt Hummel took a slow breath and pursed his lips for a few moments. He took off his cap and ran his hand across his head before replacing it and finally speaking.

“Kurt, I can’t tell you what to do with your relationship. That’s personal, and it’s not my choice. What I can tell you is that I believe that love is worth it, I believe risks are worth it, and I believe that it’s even worth it to lose someone if that’s what it comes to.

“In your lifetime you’re going to have to make a million decisions about how to handle your relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise, and you’re going to make some good decisions, and you’re going to make some stupid ones. So all I can say is: try to be guided by kindness. Be kind to others, and be kind to yourself. Do whatever you think will be the kindest option for both of you.”

Burt wiped his hands on his pants and stood up; he was a man of few words and always seemed to be a little surprised at himself when such wisdom fell from his lips.

Kurt stood also and leaned into his father’s embrace. “That’s not really an answer Dad.”

Burt smiled as he squeezed his son. “I know.” He carefully kissed the top of Kurt’s freshly-washed hair. “I like it when your hair doesn’t have all that stuff in it,” he murmured. “It reminds me of when you were a kid.”

“Do you miss that?” Kurt asked quietly, stepping back so he could look his father in the face.

Burt shook his head firmly. “No. I have fond memories of it, but I wouldn’t want to go back. I happen to like watching you grow up, and I’m very proud of the person you are now. If we had to start over we might mess something up!”

They both laughed, and Kurt hurriedly brushed away a tear.

Burt cleared his throat. “I’m gonna miss you, Kurt.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too, Dad.”

* * *

Kurt sat on Finn’s bed and tried not to cringe as he watched his brother stuffing clothes into a duffel bag. He was leaving for basic training in two hours and hadn’t even packed. (Kurt wasn’t leaving for over two weeks, but he had already settled on a definite packing list and had separated his closet’s contents into ‘going’ and ‘staying.’)

“I’m pretty sure the army has regulations about how you fold your uniform, Finn.”

Finn’s mouth spread into his lopsided grin. “Yeah, but this isn’t my uniform.”

“Practicing isn’t a bad thing…”

Finn laughed. “There are three kinds of people, Kurt: those who spend their time focused on the future, those who focus on the past, and those who live in the present.” He zipped his bag shut, and then squished it with his foot for good measure. Kurt tried not to cringe.

“I figure I might as well enjoy my last day of being sloppy as much as I can, right?”

Kurt rolled his eyes. He didn’t know how many kinds of people there were in the world, but by any metric he was pretty sure that he and Finn had never been the same kind.

“Hey, little brother,” Finn’s voice derailed Kurt’s train of thought.

“I’m older,” Kurt commented automatically.

Finn shrugged and plopped onto the bed beside him. “I’m taller. We both win.”

Kurt didn’t really believe in fate or karma but he definitely knew he had lucked out in getting Finn as a brother, in spite of the bumpy start to their relationship.

“Anyway,” Finn continued, clearly oblivious to Kurt’s mental meanderings. “Are you and Blaine really breaking up?”

Kurt nodded slowly. “Yeah, we are.”

Finn furrowed his brows. “Wow,” he said softly. “I did not see that one coming.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt’s voice was much higher than he wanted it to be in that moment.

“I just mean, Rachel and I broke up and got back together so many times that I never really knew what the future would look like. Even when I proposed to her she didn’t answer me for weeks.”

“Weeks?” Kurt’s eyebrows shot up. “Seriously?” Somehow he hadn’t been aware of that. She didn’t answer you for weeks, and yet you were still ready to tie the knot mere weeks later?”

Finn laughed. “It sounds kinda dumb now, doesn’t it.”

Kurt nodded vigorously.

“But you and Blaine have never been like that. You’ve always been so stable. Even when you fought, you actually _fought,_ you didn’t break up or cheat on each other or whatever. You just fought and then you made up and went on loving each other.” Finn’s voice grew soft. “I’ve never had a relationship like that.

“Finn…” Kurt reached to set his hand on his brother’s knee but then hesitated, unsure of whether the touch would be welcomed.

“It’s part of why I sent Rachel straight to New York after graduation,” Finn continued. “We still talk sometimes, and we didn’t officially break up...but we aren’t really together either. I realized that when she went to New York that I would have to go with her or she would forget me.”

“Finn! I’m sure she hasn’t--”

“No, it’s ok,” Finn assured him. “I love Rachel, but I always knew she was different from me and that if life separated us it probably wouldn’t bring us back together.” Finn sniffed hard. “And once I knew that, I didn’t want to drag it out. So I talked to her dads and they helped me and we made it quick. Like taking off a bandaid.”

“So you’re not together, but you’re not broken up…” Kurt had always found Finn and Rachel’s relationship status (statuses?) difficult to keep track of.

“Yeah, basically.”

“And now what?”

“I figure eventually we’ll make it official. Breaking up I mean. But I love her and I don’t want to be the one to do it.” He looked at Kurt with wide, sad eyes. “Is that bad?”

Kurt shook his head, remembering his father’s words from earlier that week. “No, I don’t think so. You took a risk to be in a relationship with Rachel, who we all know is a complicated person--”

Finn snorted.

“And for a while that relationship was really great, but now it seems to have run its course. And it hurts, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. Right?”

“Right.”

Kurt sighed. “Breaking up sucks.”

Finn pulled him into a bear hug. “Yeah it does. But hey, at least we have each other, right?”

Kurt squeezed back as hard as he could. “Yeah.”

* * *

The day before Kurt’s flight to New York he was cuddling with Blaine on the couch while definitely not watching the movie that was playing a few feet away.  

“I’ve been avoiding this question,” Blaine said softly, “but I need to ask it.”

Kurt raised his eyebrow attentively.

“Are we going to get back together when I come to New York?”

Kurt squirmed out from Blaine’s grasp and sat up. “I don’t know.”

“I just think, if we are planning to get back together, then what’s the point of breaking up?”

“Because we shouldn’t have to be lonely when we’re apart,” Kurt recited the line he’d been telling himself for a while now. “We should be allowed to hang out or date or whatever.”

Blaine looked him straight in the eye. “Are you planning to date?”

Kurt suddenly felt defensive. “I don’t know! I mean, I don’t have any specific plans. I just think it’s better if we keep doors open rather than tying ourselves to a long-distance relationship.”

Blaine grimaced. “Yeah, me too. I mean I don’t have plans. I just...I guess I’ve been thinking about it since we started talking about this.”

Kurt nodded. He had too. The difference was that Blaine would be here in Lima--where he already knew people--and Kurt would be in a city full of strangers.

“I’m sure Sebastian will be waiting to move in the moment I’m gone,” Kurt observed wryly.

Blaine looked a little pained. “I’ve only ever been friends with him, Kurt.”

Kurt laughed. “I know, I know. But Rachel is in New York so she won’t be making any moves on you this time.”

Blaine eyed Kurt sideways. “Oh god, don’t remind me of that.”

Kurt shoved Blaine playfully in the shoulder. “You’ve been off the market a long time. There’s probably a whole line of people waiting to date you.”

Blaine rolled his eyes. “Can we not talk about this? I really don’t want to think about other people when I have less than--” he looked at his watch, “thirty hours left with you.”

“Hey, you brought it up!”

“No,” Blaine corrected. “I asked you whether you’re expecting that we will be getting back together a year from now.”

Right.

“It seems like making assumptions about the future defeats the purpose of living in the present,” Kurt observed quietly.

“I agree.”

“So we aren’t assuming anything then, right?”

Blaine nodded. “We will be friends.

Kurt took a sharp breath. “This is going to be hard.”

Their eyes met and the words didn’t have to be spoken for them to both know: everything was going to be different now.


	2. Another Shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Autumn. This chapter corresponds with 4x01, 4x02, 4x03, 4x09, and IKAG chapters 2, 3, and 4.

Kurt and Rachel had talked on the phone sporadically since she had been in New York. She knew he was coming but he was pretty sure that she didn’t remember the exact day or time because, well, she was Rachel. She had agreed to help him look for apartments though, and, given the price of the hotel room he’d just paid for, Kurt decided that he wanted to start looking immediately. 

He was walking across Central Park, vaguely in the direction that he knew NYADA was, and decided to call her before he just showed up.

Rachel picked up on the first ring. “Kurt!” Her cheeriness was clearly forced.

“What’s wrong? You sound sad.”

“I lied.” Kurt heard her breath stagger before she continued. “I’m not ok.” A sniff. “I miss you, and I miss everything.” She launched into an explanation of terrible teachers and awful roommates, but Kurt didn’t catch the details because he saw a familiar yellow beret through the fountain and realized that Rachel was standing right across from him.

“Maybe you should move out and find a new roommate.”

“Yeah.” Her shoulders slumped.

“Turn around.”

It was a good thing Kurt had already put his phone down because Rachel’s squeal was loud enough across the plaza; he didn’t need to hear it directly in his ear.

He caught her as she literally leaped into his arms.

“Oh my god Kurt, what are you doing here?”

“I moved here,” he reminded her.

“I thought that was going to be...later.” Rachel looked confused. “You were coming on the…”

“...Eighteenth,” they finished together. Oh, apparently she had known the date; she’d just forgotten it.

“I was hoping you’d have some time to help me look at apartments this afternoon,” Kurt continued blithely. “But maybe I shouldn’t be looking for just me.”

“Kurt!” Rachel grabbed his arms and started jumping. “Kurt! This is going to be so awesome! We really are going to take on New York together!”

* * *

“Well, ok, maybe only a little awesome,” Rachel amended later that week as they looked through apartment listings and realized what was possible on their budget. 

“Tiny can be chic,” Kurt insisted, although he wasn’t feeling too excited about the options either. “Maybe if we look a little farther from campus?”

* * *

“It’s an hour on the subway to get to NYADA from here,” Kurt reminded Rachel as they rode their rented bikes in circles in the huge loft a few days later. It would definitely need some work, but it was affordable and he kind of loved it...he just didn’t want Rachel to jump in without considering the consequences.

Rachel just shrugged. “I can do my reading on the commute,” she said. “But this is the only apartment we’ve looked at where we wouldn’t have to share a bedroom. And I love you Kurt but I’d really rather not share a bedroom.” 

“The feeling is mutual.” Sleepovers were one thing, but for all the time? No. Kurt needed his space. 

He parked the bike and waited for Rachel to settle next to him. “We’re really gonna do this.”

“Yeah,” she grinned. “We really are.”

* * *

Kurt sat on the floor of the empty room, leaning against a pillar. He and Rachel had just signed the paperwork and the loft was officially theirs. His mind was already spinning with possibilities for the space but he knew it would take some time to bring any of them to fruition (especially with the lack of budget he had to work with). Rachel was absorbed with something on her phone so Kurt pulled out his own. His thumbs hit buttons on autopilot to send a text message.

_ (9:41) Kurt to Blaine: Well we found an apartment _

_ (9:42) Blaine to Kurt: yay!! :)  _

_ (9:42) Kurt: you might reconsider that sentiment when you see it. _

__ (9:45)   


_ (9:49) Blaine: um _

_ (9:50) Kurt: I know. It’s like a barn. And it’s waaaaay out too. But the other options involved sharing a bedroom with Rachel _

_ (9:50) Kurt: which isn’t a realistic option. Obviously _

_ (9:52) Blaine: it would probably be hard to share with Rachel _

_ (9:53) Kurt: let’s be honest, it would be hard to share with ME _

_ (9:53) Blaine: not that hard _

_ (9:53) Kurt: we’re both only children and not used to sharing our space  _

_ (9:54) Kurt: or anything else for that matter _

_ (9:55) Kurt: you’re just saying that  _

_ (9:55) Blaine: Well I can’t speak for rachel but I think you and I would get along really well as roommates _

Kurt stared at the phone in his hands. Why did Blaine have to go off and bring up something like that? Didn’t he know how much Kurt missed him? How much Kurt would rather be on this adventure with HIM instead of Rachel? 

_ (9:58) Blaine: Kurt? _

_ (9:59) Kurt: don’t _

_ (10:00) Blaine: ??? _

_ (10:00) Kurt: don’t say things like that _

_ (10:01) Kurt: we aren’t together anymore. We shouldn’t talk like we are. We don’t know the future _

_ (10:03) Blaine: I wasn’t trying to imply… _

_ (10:03) Blaine: I’m sorry _

Kurt sighed loudly enough that Rachel looked up at him with a concerned expression. He brushed her off with a head shake.

_ (10:05) Kurt: I’m not mad. I just miss you a lot _

_ (10:05) Blaine: I miss you too _

_ (10:06) Kurt: It will be a while before we have internet but I promise I’ll tell you as soon as we get it so we can skype _

_ (10:06) Blaine: ok _

Kurt set his phone down and stretched. Rachel’s gaze was demanding an answer.

“What?”

“Was that Blaine?”

“Yes.” He didn’t really want to talk about it, but he knew that she knew so there was no point denying it. 

“Do you think--” she paused, scrunching up her mouth and eyebrows. When she continued her voice was softer and more gentle. “Do you think it’s a good idea to still talk to him so much? You broke up. Isn’t it better to move on?”

“It’s not like we fought, Rachel. We only broke up because of the distance. He’s still my best friend and for all I know we will get back together a year from now.”

Rachel was silent but her steady gaze was a little unsettling.

“What?” he asked defensively.

“You can’t just plan on that, you know.”

“Plan on what?”

“Getting back together. A year is a long time.”

“I’m not--” Kurt broke off mid-sentence as he realized that Rachel could see into him better than he himself could. He sighed resignedly. “Oh god, I am, aren’t I.”

Rachel nodded somberly and reached for his hand.

“I shouldn’t be. I keep telling myself I’m not,” Kurt explained to her as she scooted to be next to him. 

“It’s ok to love someone, you know. Even when you’re not together.”

“Like you and Finn.” He didn’t have to make it a question; they both knew it wasn’t.

She nodded against his shoulder.

“Do you think you two will get back together?”

This time Rachel sighed. “I don’t know. I haven’t really talked to him in ages.”

Kurt pulled his head back so he could look at her. “Wait, he just left for basic a few weeks ago. I know he can’t call from there but he told me you two had been in touch all summer.”

Rachel snorted. “Words have passed between us, but nothing serious. It’s always been small talk, you know? Not like  _ really _ talking.”

“Oh.” Kurt’s heart broke a little. He knew Rachel had been lonely but he’d had no idea just how lonely. Suddenly he felt guilty for not having called more often.

A tear rolled down Rachel’s cheek and she wiped it away aggressively. “Look at us. What a pair we are, huh? Still completely in love with the boys we aren’t with.”

Kurt laughed. 

“We could be on reality TV for all the drama we’ve got going on here.”

“We’d be able to afford a better place than this if we were!”

* * *

_ Dear Finn, Sep 29, 2012 _

_ I don’t know if you’re getting these, since you haven’t replied. But that’s ok. I’m sure you’re busy and probably exhausted all the time too. But these last few weeks I have begun to really realize how lonely it is to be away from everything and everyone I’ve ever known, and I’ve been thinking about you and thought you might like to hear from your brother. (Sam would put something cheesy here about “bros4ever” but we all know I don’t do that kind of thing. ☺) _

_ Rachel and I have been fixing up the loft we rented. By which I mean that mostly I have been fixing it up because she spends most of her time either in class or commuting to and from it. I still wonder sometimes if it really was the right choice to pick an apartment in Bushwick. But here we are. I built a bookshelf (by myself! Dad is so proud!) That forms one of the walls. Then we just hung big curtains to separate the bedrooms. It’s a little makeshift but it works for now.  _

_ It’s a good thing the loft is about done though because I won’t be home much anymore either because I got an internship! With vogue.com!!! I know this probably doesn’t mean much to you, but vogue is the pinnacle of sophisticated fashion and this is the most amazing internship I could imagine. The day I went for my interview Isabelle (that’s my new boss) told me something that has really stuck with me. She said “you should dream really really big and then work incredibly hard.” I hope that’s what I’m doing. I hope that’s what you’re doing too. _

_ Take care of yourself.  _

_ Kurt _

* * *

“Hey kiddo, what’s up?”

“Hi Dad!” Kurt only had to walk a few blocks to get the cure-for-loneliness-cake for Rachel, but since that cute guy had shown up he figured maybe he should take his time, so he’d decided to call his dad.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“Well,” Burt cleared his throat. “It’s past nine here which means it’s past ten there. And I know you stay up that late, but I also know that you know that I don’t. So I figured something must have happened.”

“Oh, no, I’m sorry.” Kurt suddenly felt guilty for having not thought about the time. “New York is the city that never sleeps, and living here sometimes I forget how different it is there.”

Burt guffawed loudly. “You’ve only been there a couple of months, kid.”

“I know, but--”

“But you took to it like a fish to water. I know.” Burt’s voice got softer. “I knew you would.”

Kurt smiled.

“So was there a reason you called?”

“Not especially. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Go on.”

“I love it here, but I’m kind of lonely too.”

“Aren’t you making friends? What about that new job thing of yours?”

“Yes, some of them are really nice people. But I’m the only intern right now, and everyone else is a lot older than me. They’re just doing different things right now, you know? Isabelle is wonderful but she’s more of a mentor than a friend; I actually think of her as my fairy godmother.”

“You still have Rachel, and your friends from home. I would bet money that Anderson still calls you all the time.”

Kurt laughed. “I’m getting so busy now that I can’t talk to any of them as much as I’d like to. Not even Blaine. And Rachel is…” Kurt searched for a word to describe their evolving relationship.

“Rachel is Rachel,” Burt supplied. 

“Yes, exactly.”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell ya, Kurt, except the same things I’ve said before. Listen to your heart; it hasn’t led you wrong before and I don’t think it will now.”

“Thanks dad.”

“You’re welcome.” There was a pause of a few moments, then Burt added, “it’s late and I’ve been sitting here with toothpaste on my toothbrush for ten minutes now--”

“Dad, you should have said you were busy!”

“I’m never too busy to talk to my son. But now we’ve talked, so I’m saying goodnight. Goodnight Kurt. I love you.”

* * *

“You’ve reached Blaine Anderson’s cell phone. I’m sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message.”

Kurt sighed, but only briefly, and left a message. 

“Hey Blaine, sorry I keep missing your calls. My schedule has gotten really busy since the internship started. It’s not just regular working hours, there are also evening things I need to go to with Isabelle. It’s amazing, but it takes up a lot of time. Isabelle says she thinks I have real talent though. I did a makeover for Rachel and made a video of it for Isabelle, and Isabelle told me that she thinks I should pursue fashion full-time and not re-apply to NYADA. Which is crazy, I think. But a lot of things look different from here. Congratulations on getting elected Senior Class President. You deserve it. That’s so weird that you guys had vice presidents; what’s with that?! I’m glad you’ve got Sam to hang out with though. He’s been a good friend to me over the years. Did you know I had a crush on him when he first came to McKinley? I don’t know if I ever told you that. I don’t know if I ever told  _ him _ that. Oh god, don’t tell him that. That would be so awkward. Ugh.  __ An-y-waaay , sorry I missed you. I guess I’ll try again some other time. I miss you.”

* * *

Neither Kurt nor Rachel had expected Finn to show up when he did. Well, actually, neither of them had expected him to show up at all (as painfully evidenced by the fact that apparently Rachel was making out with Brody when Finn arrived. Both Rachel and Finn revealed this to Kurt separately). Finn only stayed for a day and a half, and the entire time was awkward.

Kurt was no stranger to navigating the ever-changing water between his friend and his step-brother. They had been on-again and off-again so many times that Kurt never assumed that he knew what their status was unless one of them specifically told him. Even so, it was obvious that this time something was different.

Kurt was up early on the morning that Finn left. He woke up to scuffling noises outside the window (probably a stray cat he guessed) but when the noises continued he made the mistake of looking out the window and seeing not one stray cat but two, enthusiastically mating all over the fire escape landing.

“Well that’s burned into my retinas now,” he muttered. “So much for sleeping in today.” So he made some tea and settled into a chair in the living room, and that was how Finn found him a short time later.

“Are you leaving?” Kurt’s voice was soft but in the otherwise silent apartment it still startled Finn enough to make him jump and gasp.”

“Oh, Kurt, hi.” The smile was genuine: more genuine than Kurt had seen from him during his entire visit.

“You, leaving, by yourself, at 6:30 in the morning. There are things implied here,” Kurt observed.

“It’s over.”

“Over-over? Or just backing off and taking some time?”

“Over-over,” Finn confirmed. “It sucks because I’m completely in love with her. I always knew that once she went to New York things would never be the same, but I kept hoping, you know?”

Kurt nodded. Yeah, he knew. And even when there were a million reasons to move on, it didn’t mean that it was easy to actually do it.

“So what are you going to do now?”

“Go back to Lima.” Finn shrugged. “I guess Burt will let me work in the tire shop for now, until I figure out something else.

Kurt set his mug on the coffee table, peeled himself out of the chair, and went to hug his brother. “I’m sorry.”

Finn’s arms rose around him and gripped tightly. “I’m sorry too.”

“Are you in a hurry to catch your flight? Or can we get some breakfast before you go?”

Finn’s face lit up like sun peeking through clouds. “Breakfast sounds really nice, little brother.” He mussed Kurt’s hair and Kurt feigned offense as he dodged and swiped Finn’s big hand away. 

“Hey, no, not the hair. Shame on you!” But it didn’t matter because now they were both trying to stifle giggles. “Fine,” Kurt decided. “I’ll wear a hat so you don’t have to wait for me to fix my hair.”

Finn nodded approvingly.

“You’ll be the death of me, little brother!”

* * *

Some relationships are like delicate flowers that wither without continual attention, but others remain unchanged even with months or years between conversations. Kurt’s friendship with Mercedes was proving to be the latter kind.

“Kurt!”

“Hi Mercedes!” 

“Wow, it’s been, what, two months?”

“Something like that.”

“How have you been?”

So Kurt filled her in on things with vogue.com, how he was liking New York City, and what it was like to live with Rachel.

“Kurt, I love you, but between our last conversation and our mutual friends I already knew about all of that. So why did you really call?” 

There it was: one of the reasons why Mercedes was one of his dearest friends. 

“I can’t put anything past you, can I?”

“Not since the two weeks when I thought that you liked me, no.”

“Oh but I do like you--”

“Stop changing the subject White Boy. What’s up?”

So he told her. He told her about finally talking with Blaine after several weeks of barely connecting, and about Blaine revealing that he’d gone on a date. A date with--

“Sebastian? Really?”

“The criminal chipmunk himself, yes.”

She was quiet for a moment. “So what did you say when he told you?”

“I said I was happy for him.”

“Of course you did.” She paused again before resuming in a softer voice. “And are you? Happy for him?”

“No,” he was almost surprised to hear himself say it. “I mean, I want him to be happy, but not like that.”

“Not by dating people? I thought that’s part of why you broke up--”

“He can date people, but not Sebastian!” Kurt bit his tongue before his voice got any higher. 

“He’s single now, Kurt. He can date whoever he wants.”

“I know.”

“And you’re single now, and who he dates isn’t actually your business anymore.”

“I know. I just--” Kurt sighed. “I didn’t know it was going to hurt like this.”

They sat in silence then, for a time long enough that it might have been uncomfortable for anyone else; but it wasn’t for them. Finally Mercedes spoke.

“Kurt.”

“What.”

“Do you have ice cream in your house?”

“Of course.”

“Go get it, and a soft blanket, and change into your pajamas if you haven’t yet. I’ll be doing the same here. Then we can eat ice cream out of the container and sob about the boys we miss.”

“Oh my god Mercedes I’m sorry, I forgot that Sam was dating Brittany.” Kurt mentally bitch-slapped himself. “I can’t believe I was so insensitive.”

“Yes you were but I forgive you. Go get the ice cream.”

“Ok, ok, I’m going.”

“And Kurt?”

“Yes?”

“No bowl for the ice cream. I mean it.”

* * *

Inviting Isabelle to join them for their orphan’s Thanksgiving dinner was something Kurt did automatically. (When she showed up with twenty other people he made a mental note to be more specific with invitations in the future.) Still, they sang and danced and had a good time, and it was nice to have extra people in the house to distract from how sickeningly schmoopy Rachel and Brody were being.

Somewhere between that time where dinner ends and before the time where everyone gets drunk, Kurt slipped outside onto the fire escape (the undefiled one outside Rachel’s window) and called Blaine. Outside wasn’t exactly quiet, but it was quieter than inside. Kurt knew that Sectionals was that night, but he was hoping to catch Blaine before they performed.

“Hello?” Blaine sounded hesitant.

“Hey can you hear me? It’s kind of loud out here.”

“Yeah, I can hear you.”

“Have you guys performed yet?”

“Um no, not yet.” The ambient noise coming over the phone seemed less now, and Kurt guessed that Blaine had found somewhere quieter to take the call. If they hadn’t performed yet though then Kurt knew he’d better make this quick.

“Look, Blaine, I’m sorry I’ve been so hard to reach. I have a lot going on but I miss you like crazy and you’re still my best friend.”

“You’re mine too.”

“At Christmas we should spend some time together,” Kurt offered. “Unless that would be a problem with, um--” he swallowed hard. “If you’re still seeing Sebastian?”

Blaine laughed. “No, that won’t be a problem. We only went on the one date. He’s my friend but I’m not interested in him that way, in spite of his highly flirtatious performance earlier this evening.”

Kurt bit his lip. “I see.” He didn’t want to hold Blaine back--that had been the whole point of their breaking up--but he had to admit he was relieved that he wasn’t moving on with Sebastian. That would have been really awkward.

“Kurt, they’re calling places, I have to go…”

“Of course. Sorry. Well, don’t let any of those hideous Warblers win. Break a leg. And happy Thanksgiving.”

“Happy Thanksgiving. I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

* * *

Rachel had gotten an invitation for the Winter Showcase.

Of course she had.

Because everything always got handed to Rachel on a silver platter no matter what. And she was somehow completely oblivious of her privilege.

(“That’s basically the definition of privilege,” Kurt’s civics teacher’s voice echoed in his head. “If you don’t see it, you have it.”)

Kurt wasn’t holding a grudge.

No he wasn’t.

Because he wasn’t a NYADA student so he couldn’t have been invited anyway. Because he hadn’t been accepted to NYADA even though his audition was amazing; and Rachel had been accepted even though she had completely choked on her audition because somehow she figured out a way to do a redo audition even though there wasn’t such a thing…

Kurt snapped his notebook shut a little harder than he should have, just to stop the spiraling thoughts. 

No, it wasn’t fair. Nothing about being Kurt Hummel had ever been fair. But he had never let it keep him down before and he wasn’t going to now. He was going to be at that showcase and support his roommate without wallowing in self-pity even if he had to draw on every drop of acting skill he had in order to do it.

Because Kurt wasn’t holding a grudge against his friend or her luck or privilege.

Or, at least, if he was, it wasn’t very big.

* * *

Rachel was amazing. Of course she was. Kurt had always acknowledged her genuine skill, even when he hated her for it. But tonight Rachel’s star had shone and everyone saw it. The crowd went wild when she finished, and Kurt was clapping as hard as anyone.

Carmen stood up and waited a moment for the crowd to quiet. When she spoke her voice seemed remarkably quiet for how well it carried. 

“Rachel, that was wonderful. No, it was superb. We are going to have a brief intermission, and when we come back--if he thinks he’s ready--we’ll have a performance from Mister Hummel.”

The words registered in Kurt’s head and the smile slid off his face instantly. He felt like the entire contents of his abdomen had fallen out and splayed across the floor. 

This was it.   
  



	3. I Got A Reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> December and January. This chapter corresponds with episodes 4x10 and 4x11, and IKAG chapter 4. Some events occur in not-quite-canon order.

It may have only been a sandwich, but Friday Night Dinner was sacred and Kurt wasn’t going to slouch, so he put it on a nice plate and grabbed a cloth napkin. He set his plate on the desk in front of his laptop and pressed the keys to connect the video chat.

“...don’t know why we do this by video when we spend half the time chewing,” Burt was saying as it connected. “We could just call afterward.”

“Hi Kurt!” Carole’s voice was cheery and her smile contagious as she backed away from the screen and settled into her chair. “How are you this week?”

Kurt smiled. It wasn’t the same as all being at the same table, but they’d managed to maintain the tradition of Friday Night Dinners by using video chat to still spend the meal together. It had been especially awkward during the time that Finn had been at basic training and couldn’t join them, but now that he was back at the Lima table their family felt complete again, even if there were occasional buffering lags in the conversation.

“Congratulations!” Finn blurted before Kurt could answer. “That’s so awesome that you got into NYADA.” 

“I, thank you.” Kurt was grinning now.

“It’s about time that Carmen Tibideaux took her head out of her ass--”

“Burt!” 

Burt shoved his full fork into his mouth and shrugged. Finn laughed aloud but turned it into a fake cough when Carole glared at him. Kurt basked in the support of his family.

“Actually,” Kurt said, “I wasn’t sure how to bring this up, but this seems as good a time as any… Since I have gotten into NYADA now I’ve been looking at the expenses. You know I had been saving up for tuition, but there are a lot of class fees and extras that I hadn't expected, and I'm worried about money.”

“Kurt,” Burt’s face crinkled. “I’m sorry your college fund isn’t any bigger--”

“No, no, Dad!” Kurt rushed to stop him. “What I’m trying to say is that I am trying to be frugal and cut out extra expenses, and I think the mature thing for me to do is not fly to Lima for Christmas.”

There. He’d said it.

There were several seconds (that felt like much longer) before Burt broke the silence.

“I guess flights around that time are pretty expensive, even if you book them early…”

Kurt nodded. “It’s almost the cost of a whole class actually.”

“Ouch!” (That was Carole.)

Finn snickered.

“I fail to see what’s funny about this situation,” Burt said, giving him the stink-eye. “We’re talking about a member of the family not being with us for Christmas.”

“He probably just doesn’t want to go to Aunt Peggy’s house because he remembers how she is with the eggnog,” Finn chuckled, grabbing his empty glass and miming chugging the whole thing.

Carole looked aghast for almost two seconds before she burst into laughter. “My sister is pretty predictable isn’t she.”

Burt had managed a straight face until this point, but now he lost it too. “Well if the last two years are anything to go by, she’ll black out and then we can all watch the holiday movies that she doesn’t approve of because they’re ‘too irreverent.’ It’s not so terrible. I mean, family: what ya gonna do?”

Kurt was more than a little relieved that his announcement had gone over this smoothly. “It’s true, I don’t envy you the evening with Aunt Peggy,” he admitted. “But really I’m just trying to be responsible and adult about this.”

Burt’s smile changed slightly, but Kurt knew his father well enough to read it. It was that mixture of pain and pride that Burt had worn so often in recent months but which he usually tried to hide. “Hey, you are, Kurt. You are.”

* * *

“Hello?”

“Kurt, dude, I can’t believe you didn’t tell Blaine that you’re not coming home for Christmas.”

“Hi Finn.”

“I just had a very awkward conversation with him today.”

“I meant to…”

“Dude, you talk to him like every night.”

“Twice a week.”

“Whatever. Why didn’t you tell him?”

“I chickened out?”

“Is that a question?”

“I don’t know.” Kurt sighed and plopped down on the couch. “He gets so hopeful about stuff, you know? And I couldn’t bear to let him down quite yet.”

“Don’t you think it’s better to tell him sooner so he doesn’t get all his hopes up? Don’t you think it’s worse to drag it out?”

Kurt groaned and flopped over sideways, laying on the couch with his arm thrown over his face. “Probably. I’m a terrible person aren’t I.”

“No, you’re not a terrible person.”

Kurt snorted. “Sure I’m not.”

“You love him and you don’t want to hurt him.”

There it was again. That word. People kept saying that word to Kurt when they were talking about Blaine. And he never denied it, but he was trying to not think about it too much either. You’re not supposed to tie yourself to your past when you’re in the middle of figuring out your future, right?

Kurt sighed. “I told him at Thanksgiving that I was going to see him at Christmas. We were going to go ice skating on the river.”

“You owe him an explanation, Kurt.”

“I know.”

“I’m not doing it for you.”

“I know.”

Finn a noise that was both grunty and encouraging.

“Thanks little brother.”

Finn scoffed. “Who you callin’ little?!”

* * *

The prospect of Christmas alone was...not as easy as Kurt had tried to convince everyone else that it would be. Rachel was going on some gay cruise with her dads and it sounded obnoxious, but her dads knew someone who knew someone and said they could get him a ticket for practically nothing if he wanted to come, and Kurt only hated himself a little bit for considering it.

“It’s not about how much money it is, the point is that I’m saving my money, Rachel. Thank you for inviting me but I’ll be fine.” He pointedly turned his back on her and focused intently on the sugar cookies he was rolling out.

Rachel was sitting at the table putting individual sprinkles on frosted cookies to make faces and accessories for the snowmen and ginger people. “Nobody should be alone on Christmas, Kurt.”

“You don’t even celebrate Christmas, Rachel!” Kurt tried not to sound exasperated. She was saying exactly what he was feeling, but he wasn’t about to let her know that. (She’d never let him live it down.)

“You can’t fill up your own stocking and then pretend that Santa came. That’s lame.”

“Rachel, there are lots of single people in the world. I’m sure I will manage.”

“Most people make plans to be with family or friends, Kurt, I’m just worried about you…” She slipped up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest.

“Fine, if I get lonely I promise I’ll go down to the soup kitchen and help out for a while, ok?”

She looked at him skeptically. She probably knew he was bluffing (he probably  _ was _ bluffing, right? Then again it was a reasonable option that he hadn’t considered until this moment.)

“You’d better do it,” she said flatly, returning to the cookies.

“I promise.”

* * *

Kurt was genuinely shocked to see his Dad’s face peer around from behind that tree on Christmas Eve. Apparently everyone (except Rachel) had known that he was coming, but nobody had breathed a word to Kurt. They trimmed the tree, sent Rachel on her way, and even caught a Broadway show. On the way back to the apartment they stopped for hot chocolate (“another Hummel family tradition!”) and that was when Burt dropped the bomb.

“I have prostate cancer.”

Whatever Kurt might have been expecting his father to say in that moment, it definitely wasn’t that. Burt went on and on about how they caught it early and that statistically he was almost certain to recover, but Kurt’s brain had already gone all the way in the other direction. He’d been down these mental byways when his father was in the coma, and it was too easy to fall into them again.

“It’s really scary to think that when I finally reach my...destiny...that you won’t be around to see it.”

“Hey, I will be there. I promise.”

Kurt met his gaze, but on some level he didn’t believe him. Burt’s health had been through one thing and then another in the last few years, and--no matter how much Kurt wanted to keep his dad around forever--he knew that their time together was going to be shorter rather than longer. Suddenly he regretted choosing to stay in New York for the holidays, because he might have given up an opportunity to see his father, and who knew how many more opportunities he would have. NYADA was an amazing opportunity and worth saving money for; but maybe spending time with his father was worth just as much or even more.

“Kurt,” Burt’s voice brought his train of thought back into the present. “Can I just give you one piece of advice, while we’re still here talkin’ father to son?”

Kurt nodded.

“This is three times I’ve had to stare death in the eye, and you know one thing I took away from all that? You’ve got to hold the people you love close to you no matter what.”

They held hands the whole way home, Kurt determined to make the most of what time he had.

* * *

They didn’t talk about the cancer again during Burt’s visit.

They drank tea in the near-darkness of the loft lit only by the twinkle lights on the tree. They reminisced over Christmases past, and gave thanks for each other. They made a simple Christmas dinner (wherein nothing was burnt, because Burt let Kurt do the complicated parts while they laughed at the memories of other dinners that had not gone so smoothly). They talked about school and work and what was going on in their respective lives. 

Burt pretended that he didn’t cry when they watched “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and Kurt brought over a box of tissues before he pretended that he didn’t cry either.

Burt had to leave on the day after Christmas. He had to get back to the tire store because it had always been his policy that he wouldn’t ask the guys to work if he wasn’t willing to work himself. Kurt saw him off at the airport, and then sat in a nearly deserted subway car on the way back to his completely empty apartment. Once there, Kurt dropped into a chair and turned on his computer to try to distract himself. Almost immediately a little icon began flashing and he clicked it.

_ Blaine: I just saw you log on. I’ve been wanting to talk to you but I didn’t want to take away from your time with your dad. I’m guessing he’s gone now? _

Kurt gulped loudly and his eyes filled with tears as he realized how perfect Blaine’s timing was.

_ Kurt: I just got home from taking him to the airport. _

_ Blaine: can I call?  _

_ Kurt: Only if you promise to not notice that I might have been crying _

_ Kurt: a little _

_ Blaine: cross my heart _

Kurt smiled at the dimly glowing screen and waited for the call to come through.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

God, Blaine was a sight for sore eyes. It wasn’t just that he looked good--although he did--it was the fact that he had clearly been waiting for Kurt, and was spending time with him in spite of the fact that Kurt had let him down on all their holiday plans.

“So, maybe it’s kind of stupid,” Blaine was saying. “But we kind of have a tradition, and I was hoping that if it’s not too cheesy we could carry it on even though we’re not in the same place.”

“Our holiday duet,” Kurt realized. Blaine grinned and nodded.

“I’ve got the laptop here in the music room,” he explained, turning it to show that he was, in fact, seated at the Anderson’s baby grand piano. “I thought I could play, and maybe, if you’re not too busy today, we could sing a few together?” He held up four holiday songbooks with a perky grin on his face, and then set three back on the music stand as he started flipping through the fourth.

“Why are you so good to me, Blaine?” Kurt hadn’t really thought about the question; it just slipped out.

Blaine looked a little startled as he looked up. “What?”

“I was a pretty lousy friend for months, and missed at least half of our scheduled calls and skype sessions. So to make it up to you I promised you some quality time this Christmas, except then I didn’t come home, and you had to hear it from Finn of all people. Which I’m still sorry about by the way. But basically I’ve been a terrible friend so why are you being nice to me?”

“Because I love you?” Blaine seemed confused. “You’re my best friend, you’re busy. Stuff happens.” He shrugged. “I mean, I am super bummed that you didn’t come home, because I’ve seen your laptop, and worse, I’ve heard it. So I know that you are not going to be able to appreciate the tonal quality of this piano from there.”

“I’ve heard it before, Blaine,”

“I just had it tuned, so it’s extra good right now.”

“Oh, I see,” Kurt teased back. “Because your mom getting it tuned quarterly isn’t enough, so you got it done special?”

“It’s our Christmas Duet! It wouldn’t do to be flat!” He played an arpeggio and raised his hand in a grand flourish at the end, but he didn’t look up from the keys.

There was a brief pause.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt almost whispered it. “We can sing together in person next year. I’ll make sure to come home even if I have to hitchhike.”

Blaine cleared his throat. “Actually, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something and this seems like as good a time as any.” He looked at Kurt and waited a moment before continuing. “I have been looking at schools, you know--the application deadlines are coming up--and I am thinking about applying to NYADA. I applied to NYU already, and several other places. Of course there’s a chance I won’t end up in New York, but if I do, well, maybe we could sing there.”

“Maybe we could.”

There was a silence again, but this one felt happier than the other somehow.

“So, how about we start with ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’?”

* * *

NYADA started the first week of January, and almost immediately Kurt wished that he had spent his Christmas break somehow saving up sleep instead of money, because that was the thing that he felt like he never had enough of. 

Rachel kept telling him that he would get used to it soon enough, and when he reminded her that he had an internship as well as school so maybe he had a little more on his plate than she did she spun on her heel and walked out of the room.

Then again, Rachel was spending more and more time with Brody, and he was spending the night as often as not. So maybe Rachel had plenty on her plate too. Brody wasn’t Kurt’s favorite person, but Rachel seemed to be happy, and Kurt tried not to hold it against her that the last heart she’d broken had been his brother’s.

Being busy was good: it helped keep Kurt’s mind from wandering too much. Because when his mind wandered it went to unhappy places. Burt and Carole said the treatments were going well and that there was nothing really to worry about, but of course Kurt worried. Every time he talked to Finn Kurt got the impression that he was mostly leading the glee club out of a sense of duty and because he didn’t know what else to do with himself. Kurt had watched him go into that downward spiral last year before he decided to join the military, and it was hard to watch him do the same thing again, but this time not be close enough to offer much support. Living with Rachel was an emotional carnival ride, and Kurt had gotten better at avoiding the ripples, but when his own resources were down it was harder to do.

Vogue.com was stressful, but in good ways. Isabelle kept praising Kurt’s ideas and efforts, in spite of the fact that he’d had to cut way down on his hours there when school started. NYADA was stressful too, and Kurt hadn’t decided yet whether it was in good ways or not. Some classes were great, but others… Kurt wasn’t having problems with Miss July’s dance class (thankfully), but for some reason the theater history teacher’s voice put him to sleep once or twice a week and it was making it hard to take good notes. Every time it happened Kurt resolved to go to bed earlier, but he almost never did.

One morning, after staying up late to write a paper and then being wakened early by Rachel’s vocal warm-up routine, Kurt was feeling particularly moody as he and his roommate moved around one another in the tiny bathroom getting ready for their day.

Rachel was brushing her hair (and leaving strands of it all over the sink) when she announced out of the blue. “I just thought you should know that I’ve asked Brody to move in with me.”

“With us, you mean?”

“Me, us, whatever!” Her hair flew out as she spun around and pranced out of the bathroom.

Kurt’s frustration bubbled up. “You should have talked to me about that first!” he yelled after her.

“He’s sharing my room so I didn’t see why it mattered,” she sing-songed.

Great. One more thing in Kurt’s life that he couldn’t control and had no say in. He crumpled to the floor, too overwhelmed to even think in words.

“Have a good day, love ya, muah!” he heard Rachel blow an exaggerated air kiss as she flounced at the door.

Then he cried.

  
  
  



	4. Feel The Rush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> January. This chapter corresponds with episodes 4x11 and 4x12, and IKAG chapter 4.

As Kurt got into the groove of being in school again it got a little easier. Yes, it was still stressful, but he quickly realized that college was a lot like high school, only the groups had  different names. Once he’d identified the jocks, mean girls, and popular kids, it wasn’t so hard to find a place where he could fit in. And just like in high school, that place was with the show choir misfits.

So what if part of the reason that Kurt decided to join Adam’s Apples had to do with the fact that he’d been personally invited by a cute guy with a British accent (who happened to be Adam himself, although Kurt hadn’t known it at the time). Everyone in the group seemed to be nice, and there were several cute guys, so even though Rachel told him that joining that club was career suicide, Kurt decided to do it anyway. Rachel was a bit preoccupied with Brody so her judgment was probably not the most reliable anyway, he reasoned. Besides, she was making choices about her life, but Kurt was going to make choices about his. And he’d decided that he was putting people ahead of things or status. 

Ironically, when Kurt put the pieces together and realized that Adam was flirting with him, he went to Rachel.

“He’s twenty-two, sophisticated, handsome...there’s no way he wants to be with me.”

Rachel slugged him in the shoulder. “Of course he does. You are a catch! And I know it’s been weird for you watching Blaine move on and date other people, but that’s just because he’s the only person you ever dated. It’s normal to move on.”

“I still don’t know. I mean I don’t feel like I’ve had enough time to figure out what this is yet.” Kurt was stalling and he knew it. “Plus he might be flirting, but he hasn’t asked me out so maybe flirting is just his way of being friendly. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve completely misinterpreted signals…”

“Look,” Rachel’s tone shifted to something more serious. “Not every boyfriend you have has to be the love of your life or last a long time. Not every person you date even has to turn into a boyfriend. Didn’t Blaine say he had a really nice time with Sebastian even though he doesn’t plan to go out with him again?”

Kurt kicked himself just a little for having shared with Rachel as much as he had.

“And if this guy isn’t asking you out, why don’t you ask him out? I promise you, it’ll be worth the risk.”

* * *

When it came down to it, she was right. 

He and Adam went out for coffee. And then then went for coffee again. Then they went to lunch and an off-off-broadway matinee. By that point Kurt could no longer pretend it wasn’t dating, so he made thank-you cupcakes for Rachel. She didn’t even say ‘I told you so.’ She just squeezed his hand and squealed with him when he finally admitted who the mystery man was.

“It’s still a terrible idea to be in that club, Kurt. But you’re right, he’s a charmer.”

“I’m still a little intimidated about dating an older man.” Kurt took on an affected tone and made a face that had Rachel in stitches.

“Brody’s older,” she reminded him.

“Right, how could I forget.”

“Hey!” she pushed his shoulder indignantly.

“I just mean, you know, I’m sure Adam is...more  _ experienced _ with things. I don’t want to disappoint him, but I also don’t want to feel pressured, and I don’t know how to find the middle ground with that.”

Rachel grinned. “Well, do you like kissing him?”

If Kurt’s retort sounded offended it’s because it was. “Rachel, I don’t kiss and tell!”

“But you have kissed?!”

“No,” Kurt snapped. “We haven’t.”

Rachel frowned. “Haven’t you been on, like, three or four dates?”

“Yes, kind of?” Kurt furrowed his brow. “I’m not sure which ones count as dates.”

“This isn’t high school anymore, Kurt. People kiss on the first date and have sex on the third. Or sometimes they do that on the first too. We’re adults. We can do what we want and if you both want it then do it.”

She shrugged as if this were something obvious, and Kurt let the idea sink in. Now that he thought about it, he had to agree that it  _ was  _ obvious. In high school he had been so worried about everything from whether it was true love to whether his dad would catch him doing  _ whatever _ . But he had his own place now, and he didn’t have any obligations to anyone else, and damn right consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want. Not that he had any regrets about the choices he’d made with Blaine, but now that all those firsts were out of the way, maybe it wasn’t quite such a big deal to take some of those steps again, even if it was with someone new.

Then again… “I don’t know him well enough yet to know what I want out of this,” Kurt admitted. “It just feels nice to have someone paying attention to me like this. And having someone to go out with just the two of us. It’s sort of been a drag being a third wheel to you and Brody all the time.” He elbowed her in the ribs a little. 

Rachel gasped melodramatically. “Oh, we all have to go on a double date! I know the most perfect little--”

“Maybe in a few weeks. I don’t want to scare him off just yet.” Kurt couldn’t help smiling. Adam might not be his boyfriend (yet), but it certainly looked like things could head that way. And Kurt was interested enough in the possibilities that he wanted to find out where it might go.

Rachel patted his knee. “Well there’s condoms in my nightstand if you need one,” she sang out as she got up and danced away. “Please replace whatever you take, but I know how sometimes things  _ come up unexpectedly! ” _

Kurt turned bright red. “Rachel!!”

* * *

Something unexpected did come up in their apartment that week, but it didn’t have anything to do with Adam.

“Rachel, did you know about this?” he asked, waving the yellow manila envelope in her direction.

“Know about what?”

“This calendar they did as a fundraiser for glee club?”

“Oh, yeah, Santana said they needed money for the bus to get to Regionals or something, and apparently Tina talks to people now, because she had this idea about doing a sexy firemen calendar except with the guys from glee club, and...Kurt?”

Kurt was staring at the pages in his lap, slowly flipping from one to the next.

“Kurt? What’s wrong?”

“I usually avoided the locker room in high school.” Kurt’s voice came out a croaky whisper but he plowed on anyway. “It was too easy to get beat up in there, or have people accuse me of staring when actually I was doing everything in my power to avoid seeing anyone there.”

Rachel sat next to him with a concerned expression.

“I truly didn’t really look before, but, damn.”

Rachel’s gaze dropped to the calendar. “Oohhhh!”

Slowly they turned through the pages together.

“Is it awkward that Blaine is in it?”

Kurt laughed. “Actually he’s the least awkward one for me, since his is the one body I really had looked at.”

Rachel cracked up too. “That’s ironic isn’t it. I didn’t think about that. I guess I might feel like that if Finn were in it though--”

“Oh god, Rachel, no!” Kurt exclaimed. “He’s my brother, eww, no!”

Rachel snatched the calendar from him and held it out over various places on the wall. “I think we should hang this...right...here.” She glanced at Kurt for approval. He nodded once, and she fetched a thumbtack and hung the calendar right in the middle of the house where they’d both see it on a regular basis.

Kurt texted Blaine to tell him that the calendar had arrived. Blaine had told him they were doing it, and after a lot of sweet-talking Kurt had convinced him to send it. Blaine seemed embarrassed about it, but Kurt tried to convince him that there was no reason to be. Then Blaine mentioned that Tina had asked him to Sadie Hawkins. Kurt hadn’t expected that, but as soon as Blaine said it it made perfect sense. They’d been friends last year and it might seem weird to Kurt to think about Blaine actually going on a date with a girl, but he knew it was likely to happen sooner or later. 

_ (3:47) Kurt: Soo...are you going with her? _

_ (3:47) Kurt: Does she know about what happened before? _

_ (3:48) Blaine: No. But I should tell her, because she was really upset when I told her I wasn’t sure about going _

_ (3:50) Kurt: You should go _

_ (3:51) Kurt: It will be fun _

Part of Kurt felt weird about encouraging Blaine to go out with Tina, but he knew he’d be hypocritical if he didn’t. This was the whole point of them breaking up four months ago.

_ (3:52) Blaine: Yeah, I probably will _

And there was also the fact that Kurt had something he needed to tell Blaine too.

_ (3:54) Kurt: Actually, I really hope you do go because there’s something I want to tell you too and I wasn’t sure how to say it but this might help _

_ (3:55) Kurt: I went out with a guy from the acapella group here. And I’m going out with him again on Friday _

_ (3:56) Kurt: I think it might turn into something _

_ (3:58) Kurt: I just wanted you to know _

_ (3:59) Blaine: What’s his name? _

_ (4:00) Kurt: Adam _

* * *

Kurt stared blearily into his breakfast cereal and tried to remember why he’d thought it was a good idea to have an 8am class three days a week. He heard rustling blankets from Rachel’s room and knew that she and Brody were getting up. Well good, it wasn’t fair for them to get to sleep in when they’d kept him awake last night far later than he wanted to be. (He didn’t really resent Rachel having what sounded like a very satisfactory sex life; he just really resented the fact that sometimes noise-cancelling headphones were not enough in an apartment that only had curtains for walls.)

Brody came to the table and poured himself some cereal. Rachel came close behind him, grabbing a banana and kissing him before she sat down.

“Good morning!” Rachel said cheerily. 

Kurt looked up to return the greeting and would have choked on his spoon if it had been in his mouth. As it was, he just looked back and forth several times before he managed to make words.

“Your boyfriend’s bare ass is on one of my vintage flea market chairs.”

Brody didn’t miss a beat, responding with his mouth still full. “Hey, I’m not ashamed of my body, and I wanted to show Rachel that I support her choice completely.”

Rachel leaned toward him smugly. “Thank you.” She must have seen Kurt’s confusion though because she elaborated. “I was cast in a student art film and I’m going to be doing a topless scene in it.”

“No you’re not.” Kurt was genuinely appalled.

“Rachel looks smokin!” Brody announced.

“Rachel is a serious actress, Brody. She doesn’t do nudity.”

“Look, as performers, that’s a question that we’re all gonna have to face.” Brody looked back and forth as though this were somehow a serious conversation instead of an insane farce. “If you wanna win an Oscar, you have to show your boobs.” Then he listed off several people who had done so before shrugging and shoving another spoonful of Rooster-Os into his mouth.

Kurt was dumbfounded. “I don’t get it. A year ago you were all plaid skirts and ‘do you think Finn likes me?’ And now you’re Slutty Barbie, asking Misogynist Ken to move in with you and doing pornos. What’s happening to you?”

“I’m growing up, Kurt,” she snapped. “Maybe you should try it too. And it’s not a porno. It’s a good movie. And I’m going to do it with or without your support.”

She stalked out in full diva mode.

Kurt watched her go, with only the sound of Brody’s chewing to accompany his spinning thoughts.

“Is it?” he finally asked, not sure if Brody would--or could--give a satisfactory answer, but needing a little reassurance that Rachel hadn’t lost her mind. 

“Is what what?” Brody asked, looking up the the cereal box that he was apparently reading. 

“The film she’s doing. Is it really good? Does the nudity help further the plot? It’s not just gratuitous?”

“Oh, it’s like a dream sequence thing,” Brody explained. “It’s like a metaphor for being exposed and honest. So, it’s an artistic choice, you know? I guess it could be done other ways--I mean there’s always more than one way to do a scene--but this is what the director decided, so…” he shrugged, as though that were a sufficient explanation.

“It doesn’t bother you? Other people seeing your girlfriend nude?”

Brody grinned. “Nope! Like I said, she’s smokin’ hot, and it’s her body so whatever she is comfortable with, I support her.” 

“Props for being so supportive, I guess,” Kurt mumbled. “I don’t think I’d be ok sharing my significant other with the world like that.”

Brody burst out laughing. “But you hung him on the wall.”

Kurt’s head snapped up. “What?”

“Oh come on, I know he’s your ex, whatever, but that calendar of guys from your high school?” He wolf-whistled. “I may be straight, but I’m not blind. Aaaand--” he pointed to the wall where the Men of McKinley calendar was hanging. “He’s topless on your wall.”

“It’s not the same.”

Brody raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t it?”

“Men without shirts isn’t the same as--”

“--women without shirts?” Brody finished for him. “Yeah, I know. But isn’t that pretty sexist?”

Kurt didn’t have an answer for that one. Dear god could he actually be disenfranchising Rachel by judging her on this? He suspected that Rachel hadn’t thought about it this way, but now that the idea was in his head he couldn’t  _ stop _ thinking about it: toplessness as a feminist issue. Kurt let out a slow breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“While we’re on that point,” Brody continued, “I resent you calling me Misogynist Ken. I have never pressured Rachel on any point. I respected the fact that she had a boyfriend and I kept my hands to myself until she made the first move. Then I offered to get an apartment out here so I could see her more, but she just invited me to move in. Every stage in our relationship has been initiated by her. I’m one hundred percent supportive of Rachel--and other women--having the jobs and lives and relationships that they want. I happen to feel quite lucky that she wants me, but it is her choice. I think that attitude makes me a feminist, not a misogynist.”

Kurt sat dumbly as Brody shoveled in his last few bites of cereal, then took his smug face and his naked ass back to his bedroom.

He still didn’t really like Brody, but just for a minute he had to admit that maybe that was more about his loyalty to Finn than it was about a genuine objection to Brody. After all, this guy had made some good points.

Kurt’s eyes wandered back to the calendar on the wall and the attractive man on the January page. Blaine looked pretty good in a bow tie with no shirt, even if the New Year’s theme was a little cheesy. They had done that a few times--Blaine was so fond of his bow ties and Kurt was so fond of Blaine being shirtless--Kurt stopped himself from falling into the memories. Nope, that was the past, and he was in the present now. Kurt was single and an adult, and he was ready for new and different experiences with new and different people.

Kurt pulled out his phone and scrolled to the texting conversation he and Adam had had last night. 

Yeah, definitely ready for new and different.

* * *

Their first real dinner date came barely two weeks after the first time they got coffee. Adam picked a little Mom and Pop Italian place that was near campus (Kurt hadn’t really mentioned quite how far out he lived yet) and they carb-binged in the best way.

On this night they had longer to talk than they had before, and naturally their conversation turned more personal. Kurt learned that Adam’s family had a similar blue-collar background to his own, and they shared several amusing anecdotes of how their respective fathers had reacted when they had announced their intentions to go to performing arts school.

“University would have been free if I’d stayed in the UK,” Adam explained. “But I had always wanted to try for Broadway...and I really wanted the New York experience. My dad didn’t really want me to come, but he didn’t try to stop me. I think mostly he didn’t like the idea of my going so far away.” He smiled wryly. “My dad is a big softy.”

“Yeah, mine too,” Kurt shared. “I was so scared to come out to him--scared that he’d be upset that I was so different from him, you know?”

“Because singing instead of sports hadn’t clued him in yet?!” Adam teased.

“I was firmly in denial about how obvious I was at that point.” Kurt couldn’t help laughing. “But no, it wasn’t the singing. He told me he’d known since I was three--”

“Three?!”

“Yes, because apparently all I wanted for my birthday was a sensible pair of heels!”

They laughed together. They talked about their fathers and their families. Adam talked about his older sister and her husband and their young daughter (“I miss her so much, she was practically a baby when I came to New York and she’s already started school now”). He pulled out his phone and brought up a photo of himself holding a blond toddler with curly pigtails, and Kurt couldn’t help but coo because she was adorable.

Kurt shared some memories of his mom, and for some reason divulged the whole story of how he had introduced his dad to Carole because he had a crush on Finn. Adam started laughing and then couldn’t seem to stop.

“Oh please, did you never have a crush on a straight guy?” Kurt was turning red. 

“Yeah, Adam Levine; but I didn’t try to set him up with my mom!” Adam was turning red too, but for a completely different reason.

Kurt was getting indignant now. “I mean besides a celebrity!”

Adam sobered considerably. “Sorry. Yeah. I did. It just didn’t turn out nearly as well as your situation. I mooned over this bloke for months before I found out he had a girlfriend. I hadn’t ever seen him with anyone so I had convinced myself that maybe he was gay… When I learned the truth, I also learned that he and half of our schoolmates all knew about my crush, and they’d all been talking and making fun of me behind my back. So forgive me for laughing; your story was just such a relief to hear because I’ve never heard one that ended in a happy family before.”

Kurt pursed his lips, hesitating between exasperation and sympathy. He settled on the latter.

“How about we get dessert and eat our feelings?” he suggested.

Adam grinned. “That sounds excellent.”

* * *

Twenty minutes later Kurt was poking at his dessert, too full to truly want to eat it, but not really wanting to pass it up either.

“I know it’s chocolate cake,” he explained between nibbles. “But really it should have some other name because this and the stuff we made in home ec have nothing in common.”

Adam had already finished his gelato, and now sat with his elbow was on the table and his chin in his hand, apparently listening intently.

“I mean,” Kurt rambled on, “I’m a pretty good cook, since I’ve been doing most of the cooking at home for years, but even I don’t know how to get a texture like this. And the icing, mmmmm--” his words trailed off into a moan.

“You’ve got to stop doing that.”

Kurt put down his fork and looked his date in the eye. “Doing what?”

“Saying things that make me want to kiss you.”

Kurt’s jaw dropped and he stared at his date like a wide-eyed idiot for a moment before he pulled his mouth closed, and then proceeded to open and close it like a fish for several more awkward seconds.

“That’s not too forward of me is it?” Adam looked mildly concerned. “I thought we were on the same page but maybe I’ve misunderstood...

Kurt shook his head rapidly. “No, no, it’s fine. You just surprised me. I’m not really used to having people say things like that to me.

Adam raised an eyebrow. “That’s too bad. They must not be paying attention or they would.”

Kurt blushed and bit his lip and tried to think of something intelligent to say but nothing came out so he just smiled a little.

Adam looked at him carefully. “Do you want to get out of here?”

This time the words slipped out easily. “Can we go to your place?”


	5. On The Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> January-February. This chapter corresponds with 4x13, and IKAG chapter 5.

Kurt’s thoughts were spinning too fast for him to make sense of them, so he didn’t try. The last time he’d told a guy “I want to go to your house” it had had very specific implications. This time, well, he hadn’t decided yet what he wanted. But he was going to jump anyway, and just see where he landed.

Adam paid the check quickly and offered his hand, which Kurt took readily. They walked quickly in the chill winter air; fortunately Adam’s apartment wasn’t far from the restaurant. As soon as the door was shut Adam spun to face Kurt. Kurt might have nodded or smiled or something to encourage Adam to go ahead and make a move, but he didn’t. Instead he tugged on Adam’s hand and pulled him close enough to kiss him…

Adam’s momentum didn’t stop when their lips touched; it carried him right into Kurt with full body contact, and from there took them both against the door. Kurt hadn’t exactly planned to end up pinned against a door while a sexy English man kissed his face and neck, but he was definitely enjoying it. 

Kurt hardly noticed as they pushed each other’s coats off their shoulders and dropped them to the floor. He wasn’t sure whose hand moved south first, but it didn’t take long for them to be grasping at each other’s waists and backs as well as necks and faces, grabbing fistfuls of fabric as they pressed their bodies ever closer. Kurt’s pants left no way to hide his arousal, but neither did Adam’s and he didn’t seem to feel awkward about it, so Kurt followed his lead and tried to ignore it.

Well, no, not ignore it. More like not worry about it. Because he was a consenting adult and he could do what he wanted. And right now he wanted...

“Kurt,” Adam murmured into his neck. (Kurt still wasn’t used to the way Adam said his name, with the R barely there and the T so much softer than he was used to, but it was growing on him.) Adam shifted purposefully and the friction--oh the glorious friction--made Kurt’s hairs stand up all over his body. “Let’s take this somewhere more comfortable?” Adam offered, stepping back and letting his hand slide down Kurt’s arm, stopping and catching his hand before he dropped it.

Kurt caught his breath. This had all gone so fast and he was...nodding. He was nodding and following Adam down the short hallway and into a bedroom ohgodabedroommaybethiswastoo--

“Wait,” Kurt almost jumped at the sound of his own voice, and Adam stopped in the middle of the room and looked back at him.  

“What?” Adam’s voice was remarkably neutral, all things considered.

“I don’t know if,” Kurt tried. “I mean, were you thinking-- Because I’m--”

“Kurt,” the soft voice with the gentle accent was back in his ear, and Adam’s hands caressed up and down his arms. “Kurt, talk to me.”

Kurt’s face felt hot but there was no way to go but forward. “I’ve only had one boyfriend and he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with, and I’m not sure how much--how fast--I’m up for.”

Adam’s face crinkled and the smile came from his eyes as well as his mouth. “Well,” he said softly, punctuating between words with little kisses to Kurt’s face, neck, and ear. “How about...we go...to that bed...there… And then...I’ll keep kissing you,” (this came with an especially enthusiastic suck on Kurt’s earlobe and Kurt probably definitely gasped and moaned at the same time). “And you...get to decide...everything else.”

The tension drained from Kurt’s body faster than it had arisen. He wrapped his arms back around Adam, letting them slide further down than he had before, and squeezed his date’s ass while pulling him closer to push their pelvises together. “That sounds perfect.”

* * *

It was a good thing that things were going well with Adam, because the same could not be said for Rachel. She had always been somewhat of a diva, but since Winter Showcase she had gained several adoring sycophants, and it had completely gone to her head. Every student who knew her was either obsessed with her or terrified of her, and even though Kurt had to admit that it was with good reason (since she was incredibly talented), he also knew that someone needed to take her down a peg. He further knew that he was the only one who could do it. 

So he invoked truth time: told Rachel that she was being obnoxious, challenged her to Midnight Madness, and dropped the little bomb that he had blown  _ Defying Gravity _ on purpose. 

Kurt knew perfectly well that Midnight Madness was a little bit of a risk. Adam had explained it to him, and he knew that the song would be from musical theater, but that it would be picked at random. He had no doubt of his own singing ability, but he also knew that some songs could seriously skew the contest in favor of one of them or the other. So when  _ Bring Him Home _ was announced he tried to not let anyone hear his sigh of relief. He’d been singing that soundtrack since childhood; he had this in the bag.

And of course he did. He beat Rachel by the closest margin in Midnight Madness history, but he beat her. He also punctured the fragile balloon of her confidence, and since he was her roommate as well as her rival, he had to deal with the aftermath of it.

More accurately, he had to witness the aftermath of it as Rachel carried on and on to Brody about her shattered dreams, and simultaneously pretended that Kurt wasn’t even living in the apartment.

“It was partly luck,” he told Adam. “If the song had been from another show I might not have beat her. She lets so much ride on one thing though, and now--”

“Shhhhhhh.” Adam put a finger to Kurt’s lips. “You made a challenge, and she accepted. Then you won. You didn’t do anything wrong. She just needs to adjust to the real world and the fact that she’s not the only talented person in her school.”

“She never was.”

“And she never was. Exactly.” Adam smiled at him. “Can we be done talking about her now? Because I’d really rather be talking about something else. Or not talking…”

Kurt scooted around on the couch until Adam’s arm was around him. “That sounds nice.”

* * *

Eventually Kurt and Rachel made up, and just in time because Santana showed up on their doorstep and moved in without an invitation. 

The first problem was sleeping arrangements. Rachel already had Brody in her room, and neither Santana or Kurt fancied the idea of sharing a room. Kurt suggested that Santana could stay on the couch since she hadn’t brought a bed or paid any rent. (Yes, it was a perfectly bitchy thing to say, but Kurt had only signed up for one crazy roommate and now he had three, so he felt justified.) After a ‘discussion’ that involved equal parts shouting, pouting, and threatening to walk out (while Brody sat on the side eating pizza and repeating “I’m staying out of this” and Kurt wished he could do the same) they finally came to an agreement. Rachel and Kurt each moved their curtains over and made a space for Santana to have a room in the middle. It was sort of an awful room, since it had three curtain walls instead of just one, but the alternative was to give up the living room space and even Santana didn’t want to do that. 

* * *

Kurt had always thought of Santana as a difficult and unlikable person, but when she added herself to the household he was surprised to find that she wasn’t that hard to get along with. She wasn’t angelic, but she was predictable. 

One of the first things she did was loudly announce some rules. 

“Just so we’re clear, nobody touches my hair products, and if anyone borrows my clothing without asking I will cut a bitch.”

Kurt ignored the fact that she’d looked at him too when she talked about borrowing clothing, because, to be honest, he thought those were fantastic rules and he liked the idea of having someone else to reinforce them with Rachel and Brody (neither of whom was particularly good about boundaries).

* * *

“You got home late last night,” Santana commented suggestively over breakfast one morning. 

Kurt gave her the stink eye. He wasn’t in the mood for a heart to heart when he was running on so little sleep.

“You could have just stayed over. Isn’t Adam’s apartment closer to campus anyway? It has to be; anywhere is closer than here.”

“Maaaaybe…”

“So why don’t you stay over? It’s not like we’re in high school anymore Hummel. We don’t have to hide anything.”

“I’m not hiding anything, Santana. I just don’t happen to share all the details of my personal life with everyone.”

“Oh but I’m not everyone,” she said sweetly, scooting her chair closer, putting her elbows on the table, and resting her chin on her hands. “Tell Tana about your boy toy...is he good?”

“Tana!” Kurt stood up and took his dishes to the sink, dropping them in with a clang. When he turned around she was watching him and batting her eyes.

“He’s not my boy toy and he’s not--”

“Good?” She gasped in the fakest manner possible.

“No!”

Santana crinkled her face. “Wait, he is good or he isn’t? Your answers are confusing.”

Kurt sighed in exasperation and returned to the table. “Look, Santana, it’s none of your business, ok? My relationship with Adam is between me and him and that’s it.”

She eyed him critically. “You weren’t this shy about your relationship with Blaine. I mean you were still repressed and everything--until about the middle of senior year--” She winked at him. _(_ _ Winked!) _ “But everything about you just oozed how much you adored him. And even when you tried to keep it in you kept blabbing about Blaine this or we that. You wear your heart on your sleeve, Hummel, so why are you trying to hide it now?”

“I’m not.”

She glared at him (and really, she could probably patent that glare and get it weaponized). “Don’t lie to me, Kurt.” Then suddenly her voice shifted. “He doesn’t hurt you, does he?”

“Oh god, no, Santana, what would make you think--”

She shrugged. “I just had to make sure. You’re being very weird about this.”

“Adam is a gentleman and we’re very...consensual,” Kurt finally supplied.

“Hmm.” Santana looked thoughtful now (which was even more terrifying than the glare in some ways, because Kurt had no idea what went on inside her head). “Well, I guess there’s really only one other explanation then.” She stood up and took her dishes to the sink, rinsing them off and then drying her hands methodically. Kurt waited with bated breath but she didn’t continue.

“What, Santana?” he finally asked. “What’s the other explanation?”

She glanced over her shoulder nonchalantly as she minced off toward the other room. “I thought that was obvious: you don’t gush about Adam because you’re not in love with him, and you’re not in love with him because you’re still in love with Blaine.”

* * *

Kurt knew that his relationship with Adam was different than the one he’d had with Blaine, but wasn’t that inevitable? This wasn’t a high-school romance! He was in New York now, Adam was several years older, and surely Kurt himself had changed as well. So many things were different that he couldn’t expect a current relationship to be like a former one.

Besides, he liked Adam and they had fun together. Adam was incredibly considerate and terribly funny (who else would have thought of making a balladesque version of  _ Baby Got Back _ _?_ Kurt still giggled every time he thought of the first time he’d seen the Adam’s Apples perform). Kurt genuinely enjoyed Adam’s company, and he always had.

So why couldn’t he stop thinking about what Santana had said?

* * *

“I hate you,” Kurt announced as he came through the door of the loft a few days later.

Santana looked up from the magazine she was reading. “What did I do to earn your loathing today, Lady Hummel?”

Kurt ignored the tired insult (he’d heard it so many times that it was more annoying than hurtful now). “You’re making me question everything and it’s confusing.”

“Mid-life crisis already?” She set her magazine on the coffee table, scooted to one side of the couch, and patted the cushion next to her. 

“More like boy problems.” He rolled his eyes, feeling juvenile as he said it.

“Ah, yes, I remember those; so glad I’m done with them. But I’m not surprised you’ve come to me about them.” She smiled brightly. “Wanna tell Auntie Tana all about it?” She patted the cushion again.

“No,” he said, but he sat anyway.

Kurt stared at his knees and tried to sort out what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. He could almost feel Santana’s gaze boring into the side of his head by the time he finally started.

“Why did you say that stuff about Blaine?” 

“What stuff?” 

“Like that I’m in love with him and that my relationship with Adam isn’t good because of it.”

“Well, first, because you obviously  _are_ in love with Blaine,” she held out slender fingers with long purple nails as she counted off her points. “Second, because you’ve been ignoring that fact. Third, because Rachel is too self-involved to notice, let alone tell you, so it had to be me. And finally, because our mutual dislike is strong enough to guarantee that we speak only truth to one another and therefore I’m probably the only person you would believe this from anyway. But!” she poked him for emphasis.  “I never said your relationship with Adam was bad; I just said you weren’t in love with him.”

Kurt rolled his eyes at her. “Potato potahto.”

“No,” she shook her head and waved a finger in his face. “People have fantastic sex in loveless relationships all the time: your relationship with him might be great.” She paused, leaned back, and shrugged. “But you’re not in love with him, and you just don’t seem like that guy.”

“I’m not--”

“Which is why I brought your attention to the whole sticky situation,” she went on. “It was like a public service really. Someone had to do it.” She brushed her hands together as though dusting them off, then sat back with her arms folded across her chest, looking pleased with herself.

Kurt let all that simmer in his brain. Santana didn’t seem to mind; she picked up her magazine and started reading again. After a few minutes of staring at nothing Kurt spoke.

“I have to break up with Adam.”

“Hey there, don’t get ahead of yourself. I never said that.”

“But I do.” Kurt was nodding his head and talking to himself more than to Santana now as his thoughts poured out in a stream of consciousness. “She’s right that I’m not a casual relationship kind of guy, and Adam could only ever be casual for me because I’m in love with Blaine. I always was in love with Blaine. I’m so stupid to not have seen it before. I have to tell him! I’ll tell Blaine I’m still in love with him and that I was stupid to insist on breaking up but that I get it now and I’m ready to get back together and figure out this long distance thing!” He pulled out his phone. “I’m going to call him right n--” he stopped suddenly, thumb hovering over the button. “No, I need to end things with Adam first. It wouldn’t be fair if-- I will talk to Blaine after I talk to Adam. It’s the right thing to do.”

Kurt disappeared into his room, still talking to himself, and leaving behind his roommate who was probably judging and reacting to his monologue, but he didn’t look back to see.

* * *

As much as Kurt was dreading the conversation with Adam, he also knew that dragging things out wouldn’t make it easier. So the next day he asked him to come to coffee after class, and he told him.

“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

Adam stared at him blankly. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I like you, a lot. And I have really enjoyed these last few weeks we’ve spent together, but I’ve been doing some soul-searching and if I didn’t tell you about it I feel like I would be leading you on and I don’t want to do that.” 

“Excuse me, did I do something? Kurt if something is bothering you we can talk about it, we don’t have to break up.”

Kurt shook his head. “No, no you didn’t do anything. You have been wonderful and I’m not--” he interrupted himself in an attempt to be more clear. “I realized something about me, which is that I haven’t been investing in this relationship as much as I think you have, and I figured out why.”

Adam quirked an eyebrow up but sipped his drink without interrupting.

“I’m in love with someone else and I don’t think it’s fair to you if---”

“Kurt,” Adam said soothingly. “After all our conversations do you think I didn’t know I was a rebound? It’s normal to still be a bit hung up on your ex, especially since he was your first boyfriend. But I’m not looking for a serious commitment here. I don’t mind if we keep it casual, or see other people. It’s only been a few weeks. I actually wasn’t assuming that we were exclusive since we hadn’t talked about that yet…”

“No it’s not like that,” Kurt said. “I mean yes this probably was a rebound--”

“Definitely.”

“But I’m not hung up on my ex.”

Adam’s stink eye made it clear that he didn’t buy it.

“He and I were best friends before we got together and we’ve continued to be friends since we broke up, and basically I’ve realized that even though in my head I know we broke up, my heart never got the message. And I…” Kurt looked down at his cup because he couldn’t make eye contact with Adam when he said this. “I want to try again with him. I haven’t talked to him about it yet and I don’t know how he feels, but I didn’t feel like I should go to him until I had ended things with you.” He lifted his eyes though still not his head. He had been so certain that this was the best way to handle the situation but now that he was in the middle of it he felt awfully guilty.

Adam frowned, furrowed his brows, and cleared his throat. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

Kurt nodded. There were tears in his eyes but he managed to keep his composure otherwise. 

“What if he isn’t interested? If you’re ending this here,” Adam gestured back and forth between them, “then I won’t be around to rebound to again. I’m not a plaything to be picked up or discarded at your whim.” Adam stood quickly and pushed his chair in. “Look, if this is what you want, ok. I thought we had a good thing going but it seems I was mistaken.”

“It’s been a good thing,” Kurt whispered, not sure if Adam was even listening.

“And another thing: it’s your choice, but as much as you are an asset to the Adam’s Apples, maybe it’s better if you don’t come anymore. I practically dragged you into it to begin with, but you don’t owe me anything now, and if I’m honest is going to be hard for me to have you around so much after this.”

The realization that this breakup would have a bigger ripple effect that he had anticipated made Kurt a little sad, but he knew he was hurting Adam and he didn’t hold this request against him. So he nodded; but as he watched Adam walk away he couldn’t help a nagging question at the back of his head about whether he had done the right thing.

* * *

Kurt held his phone in his hands, staring at the screen and rehearsing sentences in his head as he tried to figure out what he was going to say.

_ Hi Blaine, I just wanted to let you know that I realized that I’m still in love with you so I broke up with Adam. Wanna get back together? _

No.

_ I’m sorry I pressured you into breaking up last fall because I thought that long distance relationships were too hard. But the thing is that I’m in love with you, and I was wrong when I said that long distance relationships are too hard and I’m sorry so can we get back together? _

Better, but still no. There had to be a way to--

Kurt jumped as his phone rang in his hands, then inhaled sharply as he saw the caller ID.

“Blaine, hi! I was literally just about to call you! What’s up?”

“I have something to tell you, and this might be weird but I don’t want it to be weird so I’m just going to say it.”

“Okaaaaay.” This sounded a little ominous.

Kurt listened to Blaine’s breathing for what felt like more than a minute.

“Blaine? Is everything ok?”

“Yeah.” Blaine half laughed and then cleared his throat. “It’s, well you know how I went to Sadie Hawkins with Tina, and I told you we had fun and that it was really sweet and I kissed her goodnight?”

“Yeah?” Kurt kept his voice carefully neutral. He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach of where this story was going.

“Well I didn’t tell you everything. Because since then we have been spending a lot of time together. And we’re together now.” 

Kurt clamped his jaw shut to keep himself from blurting something he would regret later.

“Kurt? I knew this might be awkward but I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else… Say something, please?”

What could he say? His ears felt hot and he felt slightly nauseated, but he clenched his jaw and made himself answer.

“Congratulations.”

Kurt knew Blaine well enough to sense the tension draining out of him.

“Thank you, Kurt. I didn’t expect this, but I’m really happy.” Even without seeing him Kurt knew Blaine was grinning. “Whew, ok, that wasn’t nearly as awkward as I was afraid it might be. Anyway, what were you going to call about?”

Kurt swallowed. Blaine knew him too well to believe any impromptu excuses he might come up with, so he stuck with something that was at least half-true. “Um, oh, I was making my plans for when I come to Lima for Mr. Schue’s wedding, and I wondered if you’d like to do something together when I’m there.”

“Oh, sure, that would be nice. I’ll see you at the wedding for sure, but maybe we can get coffee or something.”

Kurt heard a cheerfulness in Blaine’s voice that he knew he couldn’t match, so he made an excuse about needing to make dinner and ended the call.

In all of the possibilities Kurt had imagined for this conversation, it had never occurred to him that Blaine might not be available anymore. He sat in stunned silence, staring at his phone and randomly navigating around. Ten minutes ago he had been preparing to declare his undying love, and now he’d been rejected before he’d even had a chance to do so. His thumb paused on the phone screen; he looked at the name for a moment, and then pressed call.

“Hi Kurt!”

“Hi Mercedes, are you busy right now?”

“Nothing I can’t blow off for you. What’s up?”

“I need a shoulder to cry on.”

 


	6. Dance in the Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> February, corresponding with events from 4x14 through 4x17, and IKAG chapter 6.

“Blaine’s dating Tina.”

Kurt had kept it to himself until he could have a chance to talk with Rachel alone, but then it pretty much exploded out of him.

“Tina?!”

“I know, right?” One word from Rachel and Kurt was feeling validated. 

“That’s weird. I thought she was basically engaged to Mike.”

Kurt filled her in on what Blaine had told him about them going to Sadie Hawkins together.

“And you’re telling me all this Lima gossip because…?”

“Because I realized I’m still in love with Blaine so I broke up with Adam.”

Rachel opened her mouth to say something but then she shut it again. She pursed her lips for a few moments.

“You’ll be seeing him this weekend, and what better place than a wedding to declare your love for someone?!”

Kurt stared at her. “Rachel, they’re a couple. I can’t get in the middle of that.”

She shrugged. “Fine, be all honorable or whatever. But I think you should tell him.”

“Rachel, I can’t--”

“He dumped me to be with you, you know,” she said. “I bet he would dump her.”

“That’s not fair!” Kurt retorted. “I may not have liked that he was dating you, but I didn’t try to break you up for my own benefit. That’s just mean.”

“Oh whatever.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “They’ve been together for five minutes. They can’t be that serious yet.”

“I still don’t think--”

“He’s probably only dating her because he’s lonely for you. And god knows you’ve been lonely for him. So just talk to him. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“He’ll say no, and Tina will hate me, and I’ll be alone forever?”

“There now, see?” She patted his cheek. “That’s not any worse than where you already are, so you have nothing to lose!”

* * *

Kurt had been up early on the day of the wedding and gotten ready and then gone to pick up Rachel. They had booked their plane tickets to Lima together and decided to attend together as well. She swore she had also gotten up early, but she was still putting the finishing touches on her hair when he arrived, and the result was that when they got to the chapel most of the other guests were already seated. He saw Blaine sitting with Tina and threw him a little smile. Blaine mouthed “hi” and smiled in return.

Kurt and Rachel sat together for the ceremony. Finn was standing in front as Mr Schue’s best man and Rachel was much less discreet than she thought she was in constantly looking at him, but Kurt didn’t comment because he knew he knew he was watching Blaine too. He tried to cover by looking around for other familiar faces and discovered Santana sitting with some other Cheerios. She may have forced herself into their lives and home in New York, but back in Lima she more or less pretended that she didn’t know them. Just like always.

That was the thing that kept coming back to Kurt: Lima didn’t seem to change, but he didn’t feel like he fit into it anymore. Not that he had ever really fit in there, but at least he’d had a place and known what it was; now he was completely on the outside. 

He saw Blaine and Tina whispering to each other and felt a pang of jealousy. Kurt hadn’t stopped thinking about Rachel’s advice. She did have some good points: Blaine had chosen him before, and he really hadn’t been with Tina very long so maybe they weren’t serious. It couldn’t hurt to just talk to him, could it?

* * *

After the wedding turned out to not be, and everyone decided to just have a Valentine’s party instead, Kurt debated with himself. He couldn’t ask Blaine to break up with Tina on Valentine’s day; that would just be too mean. But maybe he should tell Blaine his feelings, precisely because it  _ was _ Valentine’s Day and that would be so romantic.

He looked around the room and saw many familiar faces, but not in the pairings he was used to. Brittany was dancing with Sam, Artie with some girl Kurt didn’t know, and Santana with...Quinn? Well he hadn’t seen that one coming, but they looked like they were having fun (and getting more than a little tipsy) and he contemplated doing the same. Blaine was on stage dueting with Tina, and they seemed to be having a ball. Kurt couldn’t get in the middle of that. No. No matter how complicated relationships got, he was trying to take his dad’s advice about being kind, and even at the cost of his own pain, Kurt couldn’t do that to Blaine.

So he headed for the food instead. Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t really register that Blaine was there too until he almost bumped into him. His head was too jumbled to strike up a real conversation right now so he stuck with small talk.

“Oooo, baby cupcakes!”

“Hi, Kurt,” Blaine smiled but Kurt kept his focus on the tiny pink-frosted confection he had selected. “You never met a cupcake you didn’t like, did you.”

“Mmm, yeth I did onth,” Kurt mumbled, swallowing and then licking off his fingers carefully. “A few months ago Rachel got it into her head to make vegan cupcakes for some inane holiday or other, and those things were awful. I kept throwing them away on the sly so that she wouldn’t know I wasn’t eating any of them. She was so proud of them, but they tasted--”

“Like sawdust?”

Kurt nodded and Blaine chuckled.

“Vegan cupcakes can be good,” Kurt added. “But Rachel can’t cook worth a damn. Just don’t tell her I said that.”

Blaine’s finger traced an X over his heart. “Promise!”

Suddenly Kurt realized that Blaine was alone. “Soooo, where’s Tina?”

“Oh she went to freshen up or something,” Blaine shrugged.

“Are you two ok?” Kurt asked automatically, but he realized as he said it that he didn’t know what answer he wanted to hear. He didn’t want Blaine to be unhappy in his relationship, but it would be awfully convenient for Kurt if Blaine and Tina didn’t stay together for very long.

“Yeah, we are. We just don’t… I don’t know. I guess I’m not really into public displays of affection.”

Kurt laughed and rolled his eyes. “Sure you’re not. I know you Blaine Anderson! You’re the most publicly affectionate person I’ve ever met! I think that maybe you’re just not used to being allowed to do it in obvious ways. But being with Tina is different from when you were with me. We both know it is. People look at you differently when you’re dating a girl.”

“That’s true,” Blaine agreed. “And maybe I do hold back more than someone else would, because of what you and I went through…”

But Kurt wasn’t hearing him anymore because he’d just realized that someone (a glance told him it was Artie) was singing a gentle ballad and he really, really wanted to dance with Blaine, even if he couldn’t tell him how he truly felt. 

“Blaine, may I have this dance?” He asked softly, holding out his hand in question. “That’s not too weird, is it? Dancing with me?”

And Blaine, the same Blaine who had danced with him at two proms and any number of less formal occasions, smiled and reached out to take his hand. “No, not at all.”

His skin was so warm that Kurt almost lost his cool, but he held it together. They didn’t have to talk; they could just dance. And dancing with Blaine felt natural and comfortable in a way that no one had since, well, Blaine.

“I miss dancing with you,” Kurt murmured softly. His hand slipped naturally on to Blaine’s back as it always had, and Kurt had a moment of worry. “This is ok, right? Tina won’t mind?”

“I don’t think so,” Blaine seemed casual about it. “I mean, obviously she knows we’re still friends. And there are plenty of people here dancing together who are just friends.” He gestured with his head somewhere across the room, and Kurt glanced over to see Mike and Brittany doing the sorts of complicated moves that only they had ever been able to learn.

They both smiled. Kurt wondered if Blaine felt as comfortable as he did with this situation. They had been friends before they dated. They may not have danced like this, but they’d been in each other’s intimate space many times when it hadn’t meant anything.

But that was the problem: Kurt didn’t want it to mean nothing. He wanted it to mean something. Here he was dancing cheek to cheek with the man he loved and why the hell wasn’t he telling him so?!

“What if…” Kurt’s mouth started before he had time to check himself, but then he clenched his jaw tight.

“What if what?” Of course: Blaine was perceptive, he’d be able to tell that Kurt was holding something back.

He had decided not to say it, but it all bubbled out anyway. “What if I didn’t want us to be just friends anymore? What if I…” he was staring at the floor because he felt so awkward, but he knew this deserved eye contact so he looked back up. “What if I don’t?”

Blaine was clearly confused. He started to step back and Kurt clicked into autopilot and closed the space between them again, pulling him close and gently brushing their lips together. Blaine didn’t seem inclined to keep it gentle at all though, and almost immediately there were tongues involved and Kurt wasn’t sure how they’d gotten here but he didn’t care because it was what he wanted so he held him tighter…

Until Blaine pushed him off roughly and jumped back. “Kurt! I can’t, I’m with--”

“Tina, I know.” Kurt sighed. He shifted his weight back and forth a few times and tried to find somewhere to put his hands that didn’t feel weird.

“And aren’t you seeing someone?” It sounded accusatory and Kurt realized how complicated he had just made everything.

“I broke it off with Adam when I realized I was still too much in love with you to date anyone else.” Kurt sighed in resignation.

“You broke...up…” Blaine repeated slowly.

“Because I'm in love with you, yeah.” Kurt met Blaine’s gaze. He had no idea what he was doing right now and part of him wanted to just run away and pretend it never happened. But he was here now so he might as well put it out there. 

“Why didn't you say anything?” Blaine demanded. “We talk all the time, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Kurt wasn’t about to explain the real reason (that he couldn’t tell Blaine after Blaine had just said he was dating Tina), so he improvised. “I wanted to tell you in person.” 

“That you want me back.”

Kurt nodded.

“Even though I have a girlfriend,” Blaine continued.

“Well, you sorta had a girlfriend when we got together the first time…” Kurt pointed out (thank you Rachel for bringing that up!)..

“Oh my god, Kurt, no I didn't!” Blaine sputtered. “Rachel and I went on three dates. We were never officially a couple. I was never in love with her!”

Kurt kept his gaze focused on Blaine’s. He needed to know the answer to this question. “Are you in love with Tina?” 

“Of course I…” but Blaine's voice trailed off. “I don't know,” he admitted finally. “We have only been together for a month. We're not really there yet.”

“Mmm,” Kurt murmured. Maybe this conversation wasn’t going so badly after all. “Do you still love me?” he asked softly.

“Kurt.” Blaine reached out and put his hand on Kurt's arm. Kurt opened his mouth and looked like he was about to say something when Sam literally bumped into them.

“Bro, I've been looking all over for you! C’mon, our duet is next,” Sam spewed all in one breath. “Hi Kurt,” he added with a quick nod as he grabbed Blaine's hand and tugged him toward the stage.

Kurt stood silently and watched them go.

None of them noticed Tina standing in the corner, glowering.

* * *

Blaine and Sam’s duet was one of the final numbers, and they looked like they were having the time of their lives on that stage. Kurt had been mildly surprised when Blaine had said how close he was getting to Sam, but he was glad that Blaine had such a loyal friend at McKinley. And watching the two of them together was a visual treat as well: Kurt had long since gotten over his crush on Sam, but he wasn’t blind either, and that was two of the most attractive men he knew together on stage there. He was cheerily nodding along to the beat when he sensed a little black raincloud next to him and turned to find Tina, face smoldering.

“I don’t like you making moves on my boyfriend,” she snapped. “And beyond that you must be out of your mind if you think he even wants you anymore.”

Kurt’s jaw dropped. Clearly Tina had seen at least some part of what happened earlier, but it wasn’t fair to suggest that it had been entirely one sided! Blaine had definitely been kissing back!  But Tina had barely paused for breath and she was still going.

“First you break his heart and move away, then you get so busy with your shiny new life in New York that you forget to talk to him, so he got close to other people, but now you think you can waltz in here and cozy up to him? Just like that? He’s not available, Kurt. I thought you had some decency and honor or whatever. The Kurt I knew wouldn’t make a move on someone that wasn’t available. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. Who  _ are _ you?!”

Yep, blaming Kurt for everything then. And of course Kurt felt guilty about it but he was also feeling attacked and so his instinct was to hit back.

“He was in love with me first, and he’s still in love with me,” Kurt snapped. (It was out of his mouth before he could stop to think about how harsh it was.)

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Tina looked like she might be about to cry even though she was practically yelling in his face now. “I know your break up was planned and mutual and whatever, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t break his heart. We all deserve to be loved, Kurt.”

“I do love him,” Kurt almost growled. Nobody had better question him on that point.

“So do I.”

“I loved him first!” Kurt countered. Surely two and years was worth more than a few weeks.

“But I’m here and you’re not.”

_ Ouch . _ They both knew it was true and, though it pained Kurt to admit it, it gave her a huge advantage. Finally he appealed to reason. 

“It shouldn’t be a contest, Tina. We both love Blaine. We both want him to be happy. Why can’t we just give him a choice?”

“Because you lost the chance to do that when you decided to break up rather than try a long distance relationship. Now you’re gone. You’re gone and he’s here with me and you need to grow up and deal with it, and not sneak around trying to steal other people’s boyfriends.”

“I wasn’t--”

“Shut up, Kurt,” Tina snapped, turned on her heel, and left.

Kurt didn’t feel like the conversation was over, but Tina clearly did, and she’d had the final word. 

* * *

“I saw you dancing with Blaine,” Finn said. Kurt was with his family for one night before he had to fly back to New York, and he and his brother had settled in on the family room couch to try to find something good on TV.

“And I saw you kissing too.”

Kurt looked at Finn, wondering what was coming next. 

“Lots of people did probably.”

“Probably,” Finn agreed. “You’re going back to New York tomorrow but I expect I’ll be hearing about it here for a while. I won’t mention it to mom and dad though. They might hear about it from someone else but it won’t be from me.”

“Thank you.” If Kurt could have gone back and redone the whole evening he probably would have, but now the best he could hope for was that his dad didn’t hear about it.

“But there’s something else that I expect people saw, and I want you to hear the truth from me before you hear rumors from anyone else.”

Kurt raised his eyebrows in interest, and nodded for Finn to continue. 

“Rachel and I hooked up at the wedding.”

“Oh!” Kurt had definitely had his mind on his own situation and had not noticed that at all. “Was that a good thing?”

“I’m not sure.” He looked thoughtful for a minute, as though he hadn’t thought to question it. “You know, Rachel and I, we don’t have a neutral setting on our relationship. We dated so many times, and when we weren’t dating we were at each other’s throats. We could never really be just friends.”

“There’s a thin line between love and hate?”

“I guess,” Finn shrugged.

“So what happens now?”

Finn shrugged again. “Well she’s going back to Brody I guess. But it’s not going to last; she’s not in love with him.”

“What makes you so sure of that?”

Finn’s face broke into a crooked grin. “Because of all the things Rachel would do, one thing she would not do is come spend the night with me if she was that serious about him. But she did. It wasn’t just a kiss or something, Kurt: this was big. So now I know she just needs some time to explore a little, but she’ll be back. She’s gonna come back to me.” He was beaming and Kurt couldn’t help smiling too. He admired Finn’s optimism, and hoped it didn’t burn him in the long run.

* * *

One day the next week Kurt got home from class to find Rachel was crumpled in a heap on the couch and a mostly empty bottle of wine on the coffee table (with no glass in sight). He immediately dropped his bag and went to her. He sidled in close, pulled her head onto his chest and gently stroked her hair. 

“What’s wrong?”

She was convulsing with quiet sobs but she pulled herself together enough to speak. “I’m sorry for being so flippant about your relationship problems before.” She sniffed hard and he reached for the shelf behind them and handed her a tissue, hoping that she hadn’t gotten snot on his shirt.  

“It’s ok, Rachel, really.”

“No it’s not!” she wailed. “Because now I understand what you’re going through and it’s terrible and I feel like I’m gonna die and I don’t know how you are coping at all.”

“Ok?” He knew that in this state she’d tell him everything, so he just waited.

“At the reception, or party, or whatever, Finn and I talked. And he told me that he thinks I’m lying to myself, and that I haven’t really gotten serious with Brody because I’m still in love with him.”

“Mm-mmm,” Kurt murmured supportively. 

“And I think he’s riiiiiight,” she wailed. “You know how I came home the night before you and Santana?”

“Yeah?”

“Brody had this whole thing set up with flowers and lights and it was so pretty and romantic, and the whole time all I could think about was Finn.”

“Mmmmm.” (It was definitely too early to make any specific comments; he needed to wait and see where she was going with this before he could figure out what kind of comments she wanted.)

“He said we were endgame,” she whispered. “And I thought I was falling in love with Brody, but I think I might still be in love with Finn.”

* * *

Then came the snowstorm. The weather was so bad that NYADA closed and Kurt, Rachel, and Santana were stuck in the loft trying to not kill each other. They watched movies for a while, which was fine, but then Santana announced that she thought Brody was a drug dealer and all hell broke loose.

She was making good points. Every one of Santana’s arguments for Brody being a drug dealer made sense: he worked weird hours (often at night), he carried around a lot of cash, and he never actually talked about where he worked… even people who hate their jobs still talk about them--even if only to say how much they hate them. Kurt did take the time to be properly upset with Santana for going through their things (especially after she’d been so explicit about people respecting her privacy), but he got over it because the dirt on Brody was compelling.

Unfortunately, Santana didn’t know when to stop, and after she confronted Brody on the NYADA campus with a song and dance routine, Kurt had to join Rachel in giving her an ultimatum. Santana shrugged it off like she did everything else, grabbed some things, and marched out the door.

As the door rolled shut Rachel whispered “I think she just took my comforter.”

“Yeah,” Kurt agreed. “Bitch took my pillow.”

* * *

Santana didn’t stay gone for long, but when she came back she at least started paying rent. She had to, because Brody left suddenly without so much as a goodbye and Kurt and Rachel had gotten used to splitting the rent three ways and agreed that letting her come back was worth the savings. Kurt had gotten Santana to tell him the truth about Brody by telling her that Finn had told him everything. It wasn’t strictly true, but Finn had said enough that Kurt had been able to put the pieces together and all he’d really needed from Santana was confirmation. Then he made Santana swear to not tell Rachel the truth. Rachel was already hurting enough over losing Brody; there was no point in making her suffer more by learning his true character. (Of course within a couple of weeks Santana told her anyway and the tension in the loft skyrocketed until Rachel confronted Brody, and then somehow everything calmed down overnight.)

All the drama in the loft helped distract Kurt from thinking about Blaine, but only during the day. At night he lay in his bed, staring into the darkness and wishing for sleep. When he closed his eyes he just saw Blaine, but when he opened them it wasn’t any better. In his dreams he relived the wedding reception over and over: always wondering if he should have done something different, and what would have happened if he had.

One night, in a sleep-deprived stupor, he ordered something off a late night infomercial. A few days later he started sleeping with a disturbing-looking yet weirdly comforting thing called a boyfriend pillow. He named it Bruce (if only to focus his mind on a name besides Blaine’s; although in retrospect, he probably shouldn’t have chosen a name that started with ‘B’), and finally, with that polyester-filled arm around him at night, he started sleeping better. 


	7. Hanging On A Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March, April, and May. This chapter corresponds with episodes 4x20, 4x21, 4x22, 5x03, and 5x04, as well as IKAG chapters 8 and 9.
> 
> Warning for Finn’s death.

Spring seemed to fly by. Since starting at NYADA Kurt had not been able to spend as much time at vogue.com, but Isabelle had been incredibly supportive of him following his dreams and told him that the quality of his work was worth keeping him even if he couldn’t come in very often. She pulled him in to help wrangle celebrity guests at the ballet and he got to bring his roommates along. He called her his Fairy Godmother because she kept helping him make dreams come true.

The busy schedule made it easier to to not mope over Blaine quite as much. He definitely missed him, and in quiet moments his mind almost always returned to his ex, but Blaine had cancelled the majority of their skype sessions since the wedding, and they were only texting a couple of times per week. Kurt understood why even before Blaine told him: he was putting his focus on Tina, because she was his priority now, and as part of that effort he was backing away from Kurt. Kurt was trying to respect that, but he missed his best friend. A lot.

So when he made a trip to Lima to go to his dad’s post-treatment oncologist appointment he made  arrangements to stay a few extra days and be able to see the glee club perform in their Regionals competition. The relaxed schedule would allow him to spend some quality time with his family and to catch up with some friends as well. He was looking forward to seeing Blaine--even though he knew it wouldn’t be like it had been before--but surely Tina couldn’t resent them getting coffee. Mercedes had mentioned that she and Mike were coming in to coach the team on vocals and dancing for the competition and Kurt was excited to see them as well.

* * *

It was weird to go back to McKinley. Kurt had thought it felt weird to be in Lima when he’d come for the wedding, but actually being in the halls of McKinley again--going to the choir room and auditorium--was more than he’d expected. He sang and danced with old friends and in some little moments he almost forgot that his life wasn’t here anymore. But the flirty looks and little touches that Blaine used to give to Kurt were all going to Tina now, and it hurt more than Kurt wanted to admit.

Mercedes grabbed his arm and dragged him aside. “Hey Mr Mopey, Mike and I are gonna go get coffee. Wanna come?”

Kurt focused on her face and tried to not notice Tina hanging on Blaine in his peripheral vision. “Sure, that sounds great.”

Mike scooted into the conversation. “You should invite Blaine. I miss that guy.”

“Won’t Tina--”

“Naw, she’s got a huge chemistry project to work on tonight and she always puts her studies ahead of socializing.”

Kurt had his misgivings about that, but Mike knew Tina better than he did so he took his word on it. He shrugged and got out his phone to shoot Blaine a quick text inviting him along.

* * *

It was just The Lima Bean, and the coffee wasn’t as  good as New York, but the friends were great. They all squeezed into a booth together and two and a half hours slipped by in what felt like moments. Mercedes talked about her new album, Mike gushed about what he was doing at dance school, and Blaine filled them in on all the latest glee club drama, including finally setting the record straight on what had actually happened in the ‘school shooting’ the month before. Most of the time Kurt was right there with them, sharing stories about New York, NYADA, and his roommates; but his father was always in the back of his mind, and sometimes when those thoughts got loud Kurt got quiet.

Kurt didn’t even notice that he was lining up sugar packets on the table until Blaine reached over and stilled his hand. 

“He’s going to be ok, Kurt,” Blaine said in a low voice. He squeezed Kurt’s hand quickly and then pulled back.

“What if he’s not?” Kurt whispered back, but his voice cracked and Mercedes looked over at him.

“Kurt, we are all here for you. Trust. He’ll be fine and so will you.” She took his hand comfortingly. Mike reached out to do the same and then so did Blaine. The four of them clasped hands across the table and Kurt looked around at three pairs of differently-shaded brown eyes and felt safe. 

“Thank you guys. I’m so lucky to have you all.”

If anyone noticed that Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hand for longer than the others, no one commented. His touch was just so soothing that it was hard to let go.  Kurt was pretty squished between Blaine and Mercedes, but they were two of the people who made him feel safest so he didn’t mind. If he relaxed into Blaine’s side for a while it wasn’t really on purpose; he just needed a little physical comfort. And if he hugged Blaine for slightly longer than the others, it was just out of habit. 

Wasn’t it?

* * *

Kurt hadn’t expected to sleep well that night since his dad’s appointment was the next day, but somehow he did. However he made up for it with twice the anxiety in the morning. He was practically bouncing in his seat the entire way to the clinic, and he couldn’t stop pacing in the waiting room and then the oncologist’s office. He paced so much that his dad yelled at him about it (twice). But finally the doctor came in and gave them the good news that all was clear. 

“I’m just wasn’t ready to leave you guys yet,” Burt gushed, clearly struggling to hold back tears. “Things aren’t finished, right? There’s so much to do. You getting married, Kurt; grandbabies; havin’ old people sex with Carole!” Kurt blushed (and so did Carole) but none of them could stop grinning. “I’m just so happy I’m not gonna miss it. I love you guys.” Burt pulled them both into a bear hug and whispered an elated “I don’t have cancer!”

* * *

Kurt convinced his dad to come for a public serenade in the choir room, even though he wasn’t a student anymore. (Apparently once a New Directions member always a member, because he wasn’t the only alumni who performed that week.) He even got Tina and a couple of the new girls to dance with him. It was Stevie Wonder week and Kurt couldn’t have thought of anything more fitting.

Over the next few days he helped out with Mike and Mercedes as they coached the glee club though their competition preparation. Rachel called or texted frequently about her _Funny Girl_ callback as she alternated between excitement and near-complete breakdown. Kurt had watched her through these roller coasters before, so he advised her to drink lots of tea and water, get enough sleep, and take some deep breaths. “Grab the moment, Rachel. You never know when the next one will come, so don’t waste this one on nerves. Just go blow them away! I know you will.”

When Mercedes had her own career hiccup that week she handled it differently. She told Mike and Kurt about her producer wanting her to show more skin in her cover photos, but then she went and counseled with her mom. When she came back the next day she had her mind made up, and all she was asking for was support, which they were only too happy to give. It was good to see someone who was confident enough in who she was that she didn’t mind taking the harder path in order to be true to herself. Kurt respected that about Mercedes; he always had.

* * *

The actual Regionals competition was amazing. As so often seemed to happen, there was one team that was the clear competition. They had an amazing soloist who was definitely going to be going places in the future. However the New Directions had changed strategies from prior years and taken a more group approach to their performance, and it suited them well. Kurt enjoyed watching them share the stage with one another, first girls singing backup for the guys, then the guys singing backup for the girls. It was inspiring. Even during the final number, when Blaine duetted with one of the new girls (who was fantastic), Kurt couldn’t help but keep noticing how well they all shared the stage and supported each other. He got swept up in the lyrics of the song--apparently an original written by the girl singing with Blaine.

_ This is my life, I’m not gonna live it twice. _

How much of his life had Kurt spent focused on the next thing, rather than enjoying the moment he was in? During the last few months he had spent a lot of time thinking about regrets and wishes, and he realized that, in a sense, he was letting his own life pass him by without really living it. Sitting in the darkened auditorium Kurt promised himself that he would try to pay more attention to his present.

Twenty minutes later, in a well-lit choir room, he watched Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury get married and promised himself again. Because life might not always go the way you plan, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a wonderful life. Blaine and Tina were holding hands in the circle, and Kurt stood between Mercedes and Santana and held their hands. (Santana gave him a weird look at first, but she must have caught him glancing at Blaine because she gave him a little squeeze.) Just as Kurt was determined to live his own life to the fullest, he also was going to make sure that he stayed out of Blaine’s way so that he could do the same. It didn’t mean that Kurt loved him any less (in fact he ached to be so close and not be able to touch him), but he needed to live his own life now.

He decided that as soon as he got back to New York he was going to start a Madonna cover band.

* * *

Barely two weeks after Kurt returned to New York he got the phone call that Finn had died, and he immediately booked a plane ticket back to Lima.  He told Rachel--one of the worst things he’d ever had to do--then cried himself to sleep. The next morning he woke up too early for a weekend, and for a tiny moment he forgot; but then he remembered. Without regard to the hour he called Blaine--Blaine who had promised to always pick up his calls and who did so now--and they cried together.

He flew to Lima for the funeral, then back to New York the next day because he had classes he couldn’t miss. Three weeks after that he went back to Lima for a week long memorial that Mr Schue arranged. It all blurred together: the funeral, the memorial, packing up Finn’s things, holding his dad and Carole, or Rachel, or just sitting by himself. Hours upon hours of just sitting and staring at nothing. Sometimes Kurt cried, sometimes he didn’t, but mostly he did. 

People always wanted to say something, but they never knew what to say. The simple “I’m sorrys” were the best because they acknowledged the pain without telling him what to do or how to feel. Some people were not so delicate.

“It must have been such a shock, for him to die like that.”

Kurt schooled his features and held his tongue because he knew they had good intentions, but what he wanted to do was yell in their faces.  _ Of course it was a shock. He was nineteen. People don’t normally die at nineteen. I’m nineteen--  _ And that was the part where he always broke down. He and Finn had been only a couple of months apart in age, and in one moment Finn’s life ended and Kurt’s didn’t, and sometimes Kurt couldn’t do anything except wonder why fate was so fickle.

Blaine showed up at the Hummel-Hudson home the evening before the funeral. He hadn’t called ahead, and he hardly said hello as he came through the door. He just hugged everyone and then sat next to Kurt on the couch and without comment put his arms around him. When Kurt tried to pull away Blaine shook his head, put a finger to Kurt’s lips to quiet his protests, and pulled him closer. Burt and Carole had followed them into the living room and for the rest of the evening they they all reminisced about Finn. For a few hours Kurt felt like the last year hadn’t happened, or that they all existed in an alternate reality where Finn was just away for a while rather than dead.

But reality couldn’t be held at bay forever, and Kurt had responsibilities. He  went through most things on autopilot in those weeks, barely paying attention to his daily routines or his classes. He cried so often that his head felt perpetually stuffy and sometimes he couldn’t even tell if he was crying or not. 

He couldn’t bring himself to sing during the memorial week. There were so many songs in his heart and his head, and he had sung through emotions before, but this time he just couldn’t. He wrapped himself in Finn’s letterman’s jacket and tried to not fall apart. He comforted Santana when she fell apart, and held Rachel when she did too. 

“He was my person, Kurt.”

“I know, Rachel. I know.”

“I had this whole life plan. I was going to be on Broadway and maybe do a movie, but then I was going to come home to him.” She sobbed brokenly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do now.”

“All I know is that I’m going to spend my entire life missing him.”

* * *

Time kept moving and Kurt had to as well. He had gotten good enough at autopilot that his grades weren’t suffering (much), but he’d had to take a job at a diner to pay the bills (all the extra travel to and from Lima had severely impacted his savings). The monotony of the job actually seemed to help. It kept his brain busy but wasn’t taxing, so it didn’t wear him out but it did help keep his mind in the present. The last thing Kurt wanted was to think of life without Finn as ‘normal,’ but he knew that sooner or later he’d have to adjust to it. 

He decided to go ahead with the band auditions that he’d scheduled ages ago, even though he wasn’t sure whether he really felt up to it. Santana and her new girlfriend, Dani, had already agreed to be in the band, so he really just wanted one more male voice, and he found it in Elliott Gilbert, AKA Starchild.

He was skeptical at first: Starchild was so overwhelming at his audition that Kurt’s immediate response was to say no (even though both Santana and Dani loved him). However with a little time--and meeting Elliott when he wasn’t in costume--Kurt came around. Rachel decided at the last minute that she could make time to be part of the group in spite of her  _ Funny Girl _ rehearsals, and  _ Pamela Lansbury _ was born.

In retrospect, it was one of the best decisions that Kurt made that year, because in Elliott he found a new kind of friend: someone he could trust and confide in, and someone who would push him to be his best but without making it a competition, and all without the complications of being in love with him. Sure, Elliott was attractive, but for whatever reason Kurt didn’t find himself interested in him in  _ that _ way, even though they were quickly becoming close. They flirted and played but they both knew it didn’t mean anything, and that was new for Kurt. He hadn’t had many close, platonic, male friends in his life, besides maybe Finn, and he hadn’t realized how much he liked having one. Elliott wasn’t Finn by any stretch, but his friendship helped soften some of the torn places in Kurt’s heart, and, moment by moment, helped him start to feel alive again.


	8. Kiss the Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April and May. Incorporating events from 5x6, 5x9, 5x10, 5x11, and 5x13, and IKAG chapters 9 and 10. Some artistic liberties taken with the sequence of events.

_ (4:31) Blaine to Kurt: I have a favor to ask _

_ (4:32) Kurt to Blaine: sure _

_(4:33) Blaine: my NYADA audition is next week and I wondered if Sam and I can stay at the loft _

Kurt squinted at the screen. Sam? Why would--

_ (4:34) Blaine: he has an appointment with a modeling agency so we’re traveling together _

_ (4:35) Kurt: it will be crowded but sure you can crash with us _

* * *

“Why are you Princess Von Raincloud today?” Santana asked after band rehearsal that night as they were putting everything away.

“Blaine’s coming,” Rachel informed her. 

“Here?” 

Rachel nodded. “And Sam.”

“Staying with us?” 

Rachel nodded again. 

“Oh, thanks for telling me.”

Rachel shrugged and flipped her hair. “It seemed a lot smaller than auditioning to be someone’s understudy, so I didn’t think it would bother you.”

Kurt huffed in exasperation. Ever since Santana had auditioned for--and gotten--the role as Rachel’s understudy they had been at each other’s throats about  everything--even if it didn’t actually relate to the show . “It’s only three nights and it’s no inconvenience to  _you_ anyway since you don’t spend weekends at the loft anymore.” He nodded meaningfully in Dani’s direction. Dani smiled with an expression that clearly expressed agreement.

“So who is Blaine and why does his coming upset you?” Elliott asked evenly.

“Blaine is his high school sweetheart that he’s still in love with, and he broke up with his boyfriend here to be with Blaine again, but now he’s dating someone else,” Rachel explained without so much as a pause for breath.

“Who’s dating whom?” Elliott asked with raised brows.

“Blaine has a girlfriend and Hummel is all honorable and crap so instead of getting his man back he just mopes around the house and cries himself to sleep at night.”

“Shut up Santana,” Kurt said from between gritted teeth.

She smirked at him and took some microphone stands into the other room.

“It’s just a little hard to see him,” Kurt told Elliott. “I’m not going to interfere with his current relationship, but I miss him a lot.”

Elliott nodded understandingly. “It sounds to me like what you need is--”

“Togetlaid,” Santana coughed behind them.

Kurt felt his ears get hot and wished he could disappear into a hole, but Elliott just laughed. “I was going to say ‘a night on the town,’ but sure, getting laid is good too. Sex does a body good, with all the oxytocin and everything.”

“I’m not really a casual hook-up kind of person,” Kurt hedged. “I mean it’s fine if that’s what someone wants, but I’m not… I guess I’m just a silly romantic.”

“Being romantic isn’t silly,” Elliott countered. “It’s totally valid. It’s just not the only option. If you want romance for a boyfriend relationship, sure, that’s fine. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t go on dates or go dance with attractive men at clubs.” He threw a hip swivel into his striding across the floor and Kurt rolled his eyes even as he smiled fondly.

“I wouldn’t know how…” Kurt began, but Elliott interrupted.

“You don’t need to know anything, just leave it up to me!” he said excitedly. “I know exactly where to take you!”

“You don’t need to--”

“I want to!” Elliott beamed. “This is going to be so great. Just wait.”

* * *

Barely four nights later Kurt found himself in front of his full-length mirror critiquing his appearance as Santana and Rachel looked on.

“I’m gonna call him and cancel,” Kurt announced, spinning on his heel and reaching for his phone on the dresser.

“Oh no you’re not.” Rachel grabbed his shoulders and turned him back toward the mirror while Santana grabbed his phone and shoved it down the front of her dress with a smirk.

“You’re going out dancing with Elliott, and you look amazing, and you’re going to have fun.” 

“You go, Rachel. You’re more excited about it than I am.”

“Rachel doesn’t want to go,” Santana said, putting a finger to Rachel’s face as the latter opened her mouth in protest. “She wants to stay here with me and run lines for  _ Funny Girl. ” _

Kurt rolled his eyes. He was on the edge of having a panic attack about going out, but at least if he left the apartment he would have a few hours of not having to hear about that damn play.

“Fine, I’m going.” He grabbed his phone, key, and wallet and left.

* * *

The club was loud, but dancing was fun. Kurt had enjoyed dancing since long before his  _ Single Ladies _ days, and it was good to get out on the floor, to move and sweat and just feel alive. Kurt had once told Adam that Blaine had been the dancer in their relationship, but that was more because Blaine was an amazing dancer than it was because Kurt was a poor one. Indeed, when the music played Kurt felt the rhythm flow through his body, the beat thudded in his bones and his skin tingled. Kurt lost himself in it.

“Hey,” a soft voice murmured in his ear, and that was when Kurt snapped into the present and recognized that there was body close behind him. No, not just behind him: against him.

“Hi.”

“I’m Luke.”

“Kurt.”

Luke held out his hand, and Kurt took it.

It was fun, dancing with a partner, and Luke was a good dancer.  They danced through that song and then another, and Kurt made a mental note to thank everyone who had conspired to get him here. The next song that came on was a little slower and when Luke tugged at his hand to pull him close Kurt went willingly. He hadn’t danced so close to someone since the wedding, and before that since--oh who was he kidding: Kurt had never really danced with anyone like this except Blaine. He put his arms around Luke’s neck, Luke’s arms snaked around his, and their movement fell into sync.

It felt good to dance with someone: someone who was warm, with a firm grip and toned body, who smelled of sweat and spicy cologne and  _ life .  _ Luke moved closer, pulling Kurt in until their cheeks touched and his breath heated Kurt’s neck and ear. Kurt’s face and neck weren’t the only places getting heated, nor were their cheeks the only place touching as Luke started grinding against him, and that felt good too.

Except in his head, where it felt weird. Kurt’s hormones clearly had no objections to the direction this dance was moving but Kurt’s heart did, so when Luke whispered “do you want to get out of here?” Kurt shook his head.

“No, I’m sorry...it’s been nice dancing with you though.”

Luke looked a little annoyed. “You sure? I thought… I can show you a real good time Kurt…”

Kurt smiled appreciatively. “Thank you, but no, I’m sure.”

Luke shrugged. “I’ll be moving on then. Have a nice night.”

“You too.”

It wasn’t quite the same after that. Kurt was still enjoying dancing, but he kept to himself a little more. He didn’t want things to get awkward with someone else: once was enough.

Elliott appeared next to him and offered him a drink. “What happened to the hot blond? That looked like it was going well so I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Kurt took the condensation-covered glass. “It was going well,” he said, “until it wasn’t.” He took a sip and realized how badly he’d needed something cold . Elliott raised an eyebrow at him though so Kurt elaborated. “I liked dancing with him but when I asked if I wanted to get out of here I chickened out.”

“Chickened out? Or just didn’t want to go? There’s nothing wrong with either way, you know.”

Kurt sighed. “I know tonight was supposed to be about distracting me and having fun, but I just kept thinking about Blaine.”

“Mmm-mmm,” Elliott said, sipping at his drink. He drained it and then set it on a table. “Well, it’s way past late, and seeing as how neither of us is going home with anyone else, how about a dance together before we go?”

“I’d like that.”

And he did like it. Elliott moved in behind Kurt just as close as Luke had, touching his body against Kurt’s from shoulder to knee, but it was different. He felt safe with Elliott--not that he’d felt unsafe with Luke--but there was a degree of comfort that came with familiarity and it allowed Kurt to relax. Elliott shimmied up and down his body a few times with a mischievous grin and they both burst out laughing. Kurt might not be interested in hooking up with a stranger, but he definitely didn’t regret coming out dancing with Elliott.

“We should do this again sometime,” he said as they were leaving.

“Yeah? I wasn’t sure if you’d want to.”

Kurt was sure, though. “I definitely do.”

* * *

Just in case Kurt had had any doubts about his feelings regarding Blaine (which he hadn’t), seeing the man in person only reaffirmed them. 

Blaine was nervous about his NYADA audition, and he was kinda cute when he was nervous. Kurt cursed himself for being so distracted by it, but he couldn’t help himself. 

_ He has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. _

“Maybe I shouldn’t go to a performing arts school,” Blaine said from a dejected-looking heap on a chair. “Maybe I should keep my options open; I did apply to NYU too. You know I love kids, maybe I could be a teacher like Mr. Schue, or a doctor like--”

“George Clooney on  _ General Hospital _ ?” Yeah, they’d discussed that crush before.

Blaine looked bashful. “Um…”

Kurt took a deep breath and did his best to encourage the man he loved without overstepping any boundaries. “Blaine, I think you’re just nervous. And trust me, I understand! Coming to New York is overwhelming for all of us. But that doesn’t mean you should give up before you even start. Yes, there are a lot of amazingly talented people here, but you are amazingly talented too. An audition isn’t an obligation, it’s an opportunity. Just do your best today and then see what happens.”

Blaine’s face crinkled into a smile. “Thanks for knowing me, Kurt.”

Kurt’s smile was smaller but no less genuine. “That’s what friends are for.”

Blaine knocked it out of the park at his audition, and Kurt was incredibly proud of him. That night Blaine and Sam came to see Pamela Lansbury perform, and when Kurt looked down from the stage and saw Blaine’s beaming face in the front row he couldn’t help but think that he wanted to keep seeing that face in the audience at his performances for the rest of his life.

_ Get a hold of yourself man! He has a girlfriend! _

Of course Kurt noticed Blaine texting with Tina several times a day, and reminded himself numerous times that he was going to respect their relationship no matter what. He might not be able to keep his mind from wandering, but he could keep himself from saying or doing anything about it. Most of the time he could keep it in check by distracting himself with something else, but at night--when Blaine was sleeping in his bedroom--it was harder. (Not even Sam’s presence could keep Kurt’s mind from wandering all sorts of not-just-friends places.) Still, he kept it to himself; and further he resolved to try dating again. He didn’t really want to date someone from NYADA again (because that was still awkward when he ran into Adam on campus), but he knew that Elliott knew people and maybe he could set him up with someone. 

* * *

Rachel and Santana and their little tiff over being in the same play didn’t blow over; it blew up. One day, after an especially energetic shouting match, Rachel packed her pink suitcases and strode out the front door.

Santana shrugged and said something about having a bedroom to herself finally. Kurt didn’t let on that he knew she was hurt. It was a few days before they found out that Rachel had crashed at Elliott’s place, but then boy did they hear about it. Elliott and Kurt had talked about spending more time together outside of band practice, but it hadn’t happened until now. Suddenly Elliott was calling or dropping by almost every day, and he always ended up mentioning his new roommate.

“She sings in the shower--”

“Yep,” Kurt nodded.

“Loudly..”

“Uh-huh.”

“At five-thirty in the morning! Who does that!”

Kurt shrugged. “She’s one of a kind.”

“Yeah, well, if I didn’t need the rent money I’d be telling her to get a new place because she’s a great singer but a terrible roommate.”

Kurt nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry she’s making you crazy--trust me I get it--but thank you for taking her in. She’s kind of helpless when it comes to the real world. I expect before too long she’ll come crawling home.”

“Did you tell her yet? About the band?” Elliott asked, referring to a decision that he, Dani, and Kurt had made together after Rachel and Santana had gotten into a bitchy sing-off at the diner.

“I told them both last night,” Kurt confirmed. “They are out; it’s just the three of us now.”

“You might be used to this drama, Kurt, but I’m not.”

“Used to it and ok with it are two completely different things,” Kurt said. “Anyway, _Pamela Lansbury_ officially is no more, and _One Three Hill_ now rises in its place.”

They sat quietly for a few moments, letting the change sink in.

“You know,” Elliott commented, “I had ‘be in a band’ on my bucket list, but I never said anything about two bands. I’m outdoing myself!”

“This probably calls for sugar and carbs,” Kurt agreed. “I’ve got cinnamon rolls in the freezer; shall we?”

For the next two hours Elliott and Kurt laughed and talked and bonded over cinnamon rolls, performing arts jokes, roommate anecdotes, and a series of selfies on the couch that got increasingly flirtatious-looking as they progressed.

“Oh that one’s super cute, I’m putting it on Facebook,” Elliott announced upon looking at one where he had leaned over and kissed Kurt’s cheek at the last second. Kurt had never posted a kissing picture before (not even a cheek kiss), but Elliott had it posted before Kurt even had time to say anything, and Kurt must have looked a little stunned because Elliott caught on.

“Do you want me to take it down? Or not tag you? I mean it  _ is _ super cute but if it makes you uncomfortable--”

“No, it’s fine. I’m just not used to being so...public.”

“What, you and Blaine never took sickeningly sappy pictures? I would have thought you’d be the type...”

“Oh we did,” Kurt laughed. “But we never shared them with anyone. Lima isn’t a very accepting place.” And now Kurt was thinking about Blaine again, which reminded him of what he’d wanted to ask Elliott about. “I actually wanted to ask you if you know any guys you might be able to set me up with. I’m trying to move on and I think dating again is a good idea.”

“Yeah, I know some guys,” Elliott said. “I get why you’re not over him though. I mean, that ass!” He made some cupping motions in the air and Kurt slapped at his hand.

“Oh shut up, I’m trying to move  _ on _ , not get hung up on him again, remember!”

Elliott nodded with a serious expression that contradicted the gleam in his eye. “Right, sorry.”

“I don’t know,” Kurt mused. “Maybe Rachel is right and I need to loosen up and be more open to casual intimacy. Maybe then I wouldn’t get so fixated like this.”

Elliott seemed to consider for a few moments. “You know, I don’t know Blaine very well, but I know you, and I don’t think you’d feel this way about him if he weren’t something special.”

Kurt grabbed a pair of couch pillows, smashed his face into them, and groaned. “Thanks a lot!”

“Hey, wait,” Elliott grabbed one of the pillows away from him but Kurt clung tightly to the other so Elliott shrugged and went on. “The other thing I was going to say is that just because you only want a relationship with somebody special doesn’t mean you have to ignore your needs until you find him.”

Kurt peeked out from behind his remaining pillow. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that, when you don’t have that someone special, you can take care of yourself,” (he made a pumping gesture in his lap that had Kurt hiding his face in the pillow again). “Or, you can find a friend and take care of each other.”

Kurt side-eyed him, waiting for him to explain what he meant by that.

“No strings attached, but not like hooking up with a stranger. It’s more like just bros helping bros.” Elliott grinned.

(Ok, damn, that was sexy. Why did he have to talk fratty?! Kurt wasn’t even interested in Elliott like that but he was starting to feel kinda turned on.)

“I can show you, if you want. A one-time thing. Or not. But only if you want to. No pressure.”

Kurt hadn’t considered something quite like this before, but now that it was staring him in the face (and so was a kind and attractive man with an inviting grin) Kurt suddenly realized that he did want to, except for one concern...

“Um, wouldn’t it make things weird later? Like in the band?”

Elliott shrugged. “It never has for me before. It’s only weird if you make it weird.”

“So, what exactly are you proposing?” Kurt asked. “If I were to say yes?”

“Well,” Elliott’s voice grew softer, and he gently pulled the remaining pillow from Kurt’s hands and scooted next to him, his arm sliding along the back of the couch behind Kurt. “Usually I start with some kissing, a little light groping, and then do whatever comes to mind until we both get off.”

“I think I’d like that,” Kurt whispered, slightly surprised at how raspy his voice was.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well what do you know about that.” Kurt couldn’t tell if Elliott was surprised or pleased or something else, but he clearly meant to follow through on the offer because he scooted closer, until his leg was touching Kurt’s. He lifted one hand and stroked along Kurt’s jaw, while the other hand slipped onto Kurt’s thigh. His gaze was intense as he leaned forward.

Kurt surged forward and met him in the middle, foregoing tentativeness as their mouths met, and quickly clambering astride Elliott’s lap. Kurt held Elliott’s face in his hands and Elliott’s hands slid up Kurt’s thighs as he pulled him in tighter. Kurt tangled his fingers in his friend’s dark hair, reveling in the thickness and losing himself in the smell of his cologne (or was it his conditioner?). Soon they were rocking together and making more noises than either of them really intended, but which both of them seemed to enjoy if the harried pace of their movements was anything to go by.

Elliott pulled away and chuckled, resting their foreheads together for a moment as they caught their breaths. “I should have guessed you would be the guy that liked to get right to business.”

Kurt laughed too, still slightly surprised at how not-awkward this all felt. 

“It’s been a while,” Kurt said, as though that explained why he was still rolling his hips into Elliott’s.

Elliott nodded. “Any preferences from here on in?”

“Well I don’t have any condoms…”

“Hand jobs it is!” Elliott declared enthusiastically. 

After that the only thing that felt weird to Kurt was the fact that he didn’t feel weird at all.

* * *

Kurt was at work when the call came, but he’d been waiting for the call and he answered it quickly. He knew that the show choir Nationals competition was today but he wasn’t sure what time it got done and he did not want to miss the phone call.

“Carole? Hi! How did it go!”

“It was amazing. They sang all of Finn’s favorite songs.” Kurt could hear she was crying.

“I know; Sam told me.” (Actually Sam had called him to ask for suggestions of what songs Finn loved most, and Kurt had loved their idea of singing a tribute performance for his brother.)

“I almost didn’t stay--I was so overwhelmed with all the memories--but I’m so glad I did! It was an amazing performance.”

“Carole?”

“What?”

“Did they win?” Kurt knew what was riding on this competition: Principal Sylvester was cutting any program that didn’t win, and she’d had it out for the glee club for so long that she would not be lenient.

“No.” Carole’s voice was soft now. “It was so beautiful but maybe they should have done something different, because they didn’t win.”

“Don’t ever think that,” Kurt chided her. “They made a choice, and they wouldn’t have sung those songs if they didn’t think they were good choices. I’m sure they don’t have any regrets, so don’t you dare have any on their behalf.”

Carole sniffed hard. “Thank you, Kurt.” 

“Anytime.”

* * *

Kurt waited until the next day to call Blaine.

“Kurt!”

“Hey Blaine, how are you doing?”

“I’m great!”

“So you’re doing ok with the Nationals loss?”

“Well I’m bummed, but it’s ok. I got to duet with Tina which we’ve never done in competition, so that was awesome; I got to go to LA where I’d never been before; we sang some fantastic songs; and we put on a great show. It would have been great to win, but it was a good experience regardless.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“So,” (Kurt could hear the smile in Blaine’s voice--he could always hear it). “Graduation is next week, will you be coming to Lima?”

“I would love to, but my bank account says otherwise.” Kurt really had wrestled with the decision, but when it came down to dollars and cents he had made so many flights to Ohio in the last few months that he couldn’t afford another one.

“Oh,” Blaine’s disappointment was as easy to hear as his happiness. “I will miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

“Well, I was going to tell you when you were here, but since you’re not coming I’ll tell you now: I got accepted to NYADA!”

“Blaine, that’s fantastic! I knew you would! So are you coming here then?”

“Well, I got accepted to NYU too and I haven’t completely decided which school I want to go to. “But I’m coming to New York for sure.”

Kurt asked the inevitable question. “What about Tina? Is she coming here too?”

“Tina hasn’t decided where she’s going yet; she got into a couple of schools but she’s waitlisted at her top choices so she’s still waiting to hear.”

“I see.”

“But we decided to break up after graduation. We talked about it and concluded that we don’t want to be tied down when we go to school, especially since we know we won’t be going to the same one.”

“Oh.” Kurt hadn’t really seen that one coming (in hindsight he probably should have, but he hadn’t).

“Anyway, I’ve got a final to study for, so I need to go. But thanks for calling, Kurt. It’s always good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too, Blaine.” 

* * *

At some point Rachel and Santana made up. Kurt couldn’t keep track of the details of their melodrama, but one day Santana announced that she’d quit the show, and Rachel and her pink suitcases returned to the loft. They didn’t rejoin the band though, which was just as well because coordinating three schedules for band practices was a lot easier than it had been to coordinate five. Outside of band meetings the five of them saw a lot of each other anyway, since Kurt, Rachel, Santana, and Dani all worked at the diner, and Elliott hung out there several times a week now. 

Kurt and Elliott’s little foray into bros helping bros turned out to be a one-time thing; a very enjoyable thing, they both agreed, but not an arrangement Kurt was keen to continue. Elliott teased him (in private) about being ‘the one that got away,’ then they both had a good laugh and went to the music store to jam.

Kurt and Elliott went out dancing again, and Kurt went on a date with a guy Elliott knew from his apartment complex. Dating that guy also proved to be a one-time thing, but it felt like an important step in putting himself back out there. Elliott had lots of friends.

* * *

_ (9:57) Blaine to Kurt: Well it’s done. Me and Tina. _

There was only one appropriate way to respond to the news of your best friend’s break-up (even if it was mutual and planned).

_ (9:58) Kurt to Blaine: Are you ok? _

_ (9:59) Blaine: yeah _

_ (10:00) Blaine: is it bad if I’m not hurting like I thought I would be?  _

_ (10:01) Blaine: I thought it would be more like last year. With us. _

Kurt’s heart flipped, just once. His mind was racing but he wasn’t about to say anything. Yet. He had to keep his cool. 

_ (10:05) Kurt: Maybe you were more ready to move on this time? _

_ (10:06) Blaine: I don’t know. _

_ (10:07) Blaine: I kinda feel guilty now _

_ (10:08) Blaine: And I feel dumb for feeling guilty _

_ (10:08) Blaine: Because she’s the one who brought it up first so it’s not like I pressured her or anything _

Kurt stared at his phone, not sure how to respond to this. This wasn’t really about him (even if maybe he wanted it to be--just a little bit). He wanted to be supportive, but he also didn’t really have anything to say. Then an idea that had been percolating for awhile came into fruition and Kurt knew exactly what he wanted to say.

_ (10:11) Kurt: Do you need to talk about it? Am I a bad friend if I change the subject? _

_ (10:12) Blaine: No. Go ahead. I could use a distraction. _

_ (10:13) Kurt: Well you said you hadn’t decided which school, but that you HAD decided on NYC, like we used to talk about... _

_ (10:14) Blaine: yeah… _

_ (10:15) Kurt: I won’t be hurt or offended if you say no, but I was just wondering if you’d like to move into the loft with the girls and me. _

_ (10:15) Kurt: As friends of course. No assumptions or obligations. _

_ (10:16) Kurt: New York is just a really big place, and it’s nice to have a friend to come home to. _

Blaine didn’t answer for several minutes. Then he did.

_ (10:22) Blaine: I might take you up on that _

 


	9. You're Who Should Take Me Home Tonight (Epilogue)

Kurt and Blaine made a deal when Blaine moved in. Blaine’s suitcases and boxes were still stacked in piles because he had literally been in the loft for only an hour when Kurt asked him to take a seat at the kitchen table.

“We can’t go out for a year.”

“What?” Blaine looked confused or surprised or...something.

“I mean this,” he gestured back and forth between them, “needs to stay platonic. For both our sakes. Because our history is so--”

“Complicated?” Blaine supplied. 

“Exactly.” Kurt nodded. “And we shouldn’t assume anything just because we’re living together. I know we'll be sharing a room since Rachel and Santana are in the other one, but you saw there’s a second bed in there, and we can just be normal roommates--”

“I wasn’t assuming anything, Kurt,” Blaine said in that soft way he had. That way that made it sound like Kurt’s name was the most important word in the world. “You said you invited me to live here as friends, and I took that at face value.”

“Well, it was only six months ago that I tried to convince you to dump your girlfriend and come back to me,” Kurt sighed. “I just wanted to make sure we’re clear that I’m not trying to do that again.

“I don’t have a girlfriend anymore,” Blaine reminded him. “And the breakup was a mutual decision. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kurt nodded. “But I still think this is a good idea. We have always had a chemistry between us, even before we were dating. And I’m gonna be honest and say that a part of me really wants to just woo you right now...” ( _ Or jump you _ , he thought.)

Blaine raised an eyebrow.

“But I’m not going to,” Kurt continued. “Because no matter how things were between us before, we are both really young. Plus it’s been a year, and we’ve both changed in that time. At least, I know I have.”

Blaine nodded. “I have too. In lots of ways.”

“So I don’t want to assume anything,” Kurt said again. “I want us to get to know each other again, as we are now, before we make any rash decisions. We were apart for a year, so I think that’s a reasonable--”

“So no friends with benefits then I take it?”

Kurt’s jaw fell open and he was pretty sure his eyes were bulging. He had  _ not _ anticipated this conversation going that direction. (He had no regrets about the one time with Elliott, but he hadn’t mentioned it to anyone either, and he wasn’t planning to. Some things were private.) Kurt swallowed hard, but before he could say a word Blaine’s face crinkled and cracked into laughter.

“Oh you should have seen your face, Kurt. That was priceless!”

Kurt sputtered a moment. “Who are you and what have you done with my dapper friend Blaine Anderson?!”

Blaine’s smile was still there but it had gentled. “We’ve changed, remember?”

This time it was Kurt’s eyebrow that shot up. “More than I’d realized, I think.”

“Anyway, I think it’s a good plan.”

Kurt just stared for a few awkward moments before his mind caught up. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, ok. I’m glad that’s settled then.”

Blaine held out his hand and Kurt shook it firmly.

“Alright then.” Blaine looked over at the pile of his things. “Well, duty calls. I should start getting things put away before you kick me out for being a messy roommate.”

Kurt laughed. It felt good to be with his best friend again. He loved Rachel, of course, but their relationship would always have an inflexible, competitive side that kept a certain degree of tension between them. And Santana, with all her snooping and prying: he may have gotten along with Santana but he never felt close to her. (Kurt wasn’t even going to think about Brody and the new meanings he brought to ‘weird roommate.’) But Blaine? He wasn’t like any of them. He was comfortable and familiar (like coming home, Kurt realized), and Kurt had really, really missed him.

* * *

“Do you think we should set up some ground rules?” Blaine asked a few days later as they were cleaning up the dinner things together.

“Hmm?” Kurt asked distractedly. “Rules for what?”

“For dating?”

Kurt’s attention came into sharp focus. “I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to--”

Blaine’s eyes twinkled. “For dating other people I mean.”

“Oh,” Kurt felt his ears heating up and quickly turned away and focused obscenely hard on scooping the leftover salad into a smaller bowl.

“I don’t want us to have to tiptoe around each other,” Blaine explained. “This last year we both told each other when we were dating someone. I think that’s even more important now that we’re roommates. Just to keep the air clear.”

Kurt nodded. “I agree.”

“Have you and Rachel had any...arrangements?” 

“Arrangements?”

Blaine was quiet for a few moments and Kurt was pretty sure that meant he was feeling awkward. 

“I mean about having boys over,” Blaine finally said. “Or girls, you know, since Santana is here now.” He paused only a moment. “And me.”

Oh. Blaine was thinking about that already? Kurt really  _ didn’t _ know him anymore. He put the bowl into the fridge and leaned against the counter, trying to keep things casual.

“Well, mostly we just talk to each other, and just let each other know if we want some privacy. Santana usually goes to Dani’s place, but Rachel and I...” Kurt mentally thanked the universe that Rachel wasn’t actually home right now. “Well, in theory that’s what we do, but Rachel tends to do things first and then talk to me later. Like when she invited Brody to move in last fall.”

Blaine rolled his eyes. “Right, I remember you telling me about that.”

“That was not ok.”

“Right, so, rule one: no inviting people to move in without checking with the current roommates.”

Kurt laughed. “I really think the four of us are enough for one apartment, don’t you? Rachel and Santana bring quite enough drama to this living arrangement, and the last thing any of us needs is to add another boyfriend.”

“The lack of actual walls in this loft would be a strong indicator against it,” Blaine agreed with a chuckle.

“Oh god, trust me, you don’t want to know!” 

Blaine put his hands up defensively. “No, no, I really don’t.” He exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean for this conversation to go this direction. Mostly I just wanted to make sure we are on the same page about what we would or wouldn’t tell each other about any other people we may date. I mean, I know we have sort of already been through this, but it wasn’t as roommates. Somehow it feels like that little difference is a big deal.”

“It is a big deal, I think.” Kurt reached out and reflexively grabbed Blaine’s arm, then caught himself and let go again, instead brushing away an imaginary speck of dust and pulling his hand back into his own space. “Just because we will be constantly in each other’s space, and we can’t ignore things. I’ve never tried to be roommates with my ex before. It might be weird.”

“Exactly. Especially since we are both at the same school and potentially those dates might be people we both know.”

“And Blaine?” Kurt took a deep breath before he continued.

“Yeah?”

“If anybody breaks your heart, I’ll break their fingers.”

Blaine’s whole face crinkled into his signature grin. “Deal.”

* * *

Over the next few months they each went on a number of dates, but Kurt’s worries of awkwardness amounted to nothing because it turned out that neither of them ever wanted to bring anyone home. Instead, after almost every date they came home to their roommates, drank tea or cocoa, and discussed everything that had happened and whether they’d be going out with that person again. Sometimes Rachel or Santana was part of the post-date debriefing, but usually it was just Kurt and Blaine.

At Thanksgiving they had an orphans dinner again, much as Kurt and Rachel had the year before, only better because many of their old friends were able to attend. Sam was in town for a modelling gig, and Tina and Quinn decided to drive down together for the long weekend (“although I really have too much homework to be going anywhere,” Tina informed everyone a dozen times. “Brown is really competitive and I can’t slack off at all.”) Santana and Dani were the only couple there. 

At New Year’s Blaine complained that he wouldn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight, and Rachel offered to help him out with that but Blaine politely declined. Santana laughed uproariously. Kurt didn’t offer. It would have been weird, and besides, it would have been breaking the rules.

On Valentine’s Day Rachel gave everyone in the apartment a card with conversation hearts stuck inside to spell out the message; Blaine brought home roses for the kitchen table and a box of chocolates to share; Kurt made a cheesecake; and Santana informed everyone that she had put a large box of condoms in the bathroom cupboard, and that since they  _ obviously _ weren’t for her then she hoped everyone else would enjoy them. Then she left to spend the night with Dani while the other three of them ate cheesecake together and watched  _ My Fair Lady. _

On the anniversary of Finn’s death Rachel snuck into the boys’ room and crawled into Kurt's bed with him. The two of them cried silently together and held each other all night, just as they had the year before. If Blaine was awake or heard them he didn’t say anything, but on the night after, when Kurt found himself crying again, Blaine slipped into his bed behind him.

“Is this ok? I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but it seemed like you needed someone to hold you.”

Kurt reached back, grabbed Blaine’s arm, and pulled it around himself. “I'm glad you're here Blaine,” he whispered. And he meant it. Blaine's body was warm and familiar: comfortable enough to cuddle into and broad enough to make Kurt feel protected from the world. That night Kurt slept better than he had in months. 

* * *

One night, late in the spring, Blaine came home from his third date with a girl from his dance class and Kurt could tell immediately that it hadn’t gone well. Blaine hung up his coat with a sigh and then just stood there in the doorway, staring vaguely in the direction of the table leg.

“Go put on your jammies and I’ll make some cocoa,” Kurt insisted, ready for the standard post-date ritual. “There’s also ice cream if that becomes necessary.” 

Blaine threw him a grateful smile and beelined for the bedroom. He returned a few minutes later, looking much more comfortable but no less upset. He plopped on the couch and Kurt met him there with two mugs of steaming chocolate.

“You put marshmallows in mine,” Blaine noted fondly.

“They’re your favorite.”

“But you remembered.”

“Of course I remembered,” Kurt guffawed. “You’re my roommate.”

Blaine looked at him over his mug as he took a sip. “Thanks; you’re the best.”

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts as they sipped at their drinks.

“I give up,” Blaine said finally.

“On what?”

“Girls,” Blaine stated flatly. “Boys. Dating. All of it.” He sighed and set his mug on the coffee table. “But today I'm especially giving up on girls. I mean, I'm attracted to them enough, but when it comes to trying to have a relationship…  I don’t know. I just really don’t understand how female minds work.”

“I thought you and Tina had a pretty good relationship,” Kurt blurted (and promptly mentally facepalmed for bringing it up. He didn’t want to talk about Tina!)

Blaine’s forehead scrunched up as he considered. “Tina was different. I guess maybe it’s because we were friends for so long before we started dating. We already knew each other. It’s really awkward to try to date someone when you don’t have that friendship as a base to build on, you know?”

Kurt nodded somberly. He definitely knew. He’d been on his share of dates, and while they were fun, none of the guys he’d gone out with had been so appealing that he’d wanted to give up movie night with his roommates to keep seeing them.

“So...you’re done with... girls?” Kurt repeated. “What does that mean, exactly?”

“I don’t know!” The pitch of Blaine’s voice shifted up sharply. “It’s not even about girls really, I don’t think. I’m just frustrated about tonight I guess...” he sighed.

Kurt reached over and rubbed Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine shifted on the couch so that Kurt could reach better.

“It wasn’t even a bad date,” Blaine continued as Kurt worked out the knots in his muscles. “I mean, we had fun, and she’s pretty, and she’s really nice. I just… there was no spark.”

“Well you can’t help that,” Kurt argued evenly. “Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn’t, and there’s no use in fighting it.”

“Why are we doing this?” Blaine blurted suddenly.

“What?” Kurt pulled his hands back toward himself as Blaine turned around so they were facing one another.

“This,” Blaine gestured between them, to the cocoa, to the room at large. “All of this. Why are we doing it?”

Kurt squinted at him. “Living together?”

“No!” Blaine looked at his hands where they lay in his lap for several long seconds before he met Kurt’s curious gaze. 

“Why are we going on dates with other people and then coming home to complain to each other about them? Every time I'm out with someone all I can think is that I want to come home to you.”

“Blaine, you do come home to me,” Kurt said wryly. 

“You know what I mean, Kurt. Why aren’t we just going on dates with each other?”

“Blaine, you know why…” Kurt started, but he stopped as Blaine reached across the narrow gap between then and took Kurt’s hand.

“I know, we had a deal,” Blaine looked so earnest and Kurt wasn’t sure if he wanted to run away or hang on every word. Something was starting to twist in his stomach and he could feel the air practically sizzling between them.

“A deal,” Kurt repeated. “Because we needed time to explore our options. Because we’re both so young.”

“I know why we made that deal,” Blaine continued. “We had really good reasons.”

“Reasons…” Kurt echoed, unsure for a moment of whether this feeling was nausea or anticipation.

“But maybe we were also a little stupid,” Blaine continued. “A year is a long time…”

“There’s a reason we said a year, Blaine.”

“There may be a reason  _ you _ said a year, Kurt.” Blaine’s eyes were darker than Kurt had seen them in ages. “Five months was enough for me the first time, and you knew faster than that. I know you did. It’s been much longer than that this time. I’ve had enough time to figure out what I want.”

Without further warning, Blaine launched himself forward, crashing his mouth into Kurt’s. Kurt squeezed Blaine’s hands where they were still joined, and the mutual momentum carried them both over into a horizontal position on the couch, with Blaine’s mouth still firmly attached to Kurt’s.

“Reasons,” Kurt squeaked, trying to catch his breath, and simultaneously attempting to decide whether he really wanted to argue with Blaine about this when it felt  _ so _ good to be beneath him like this again.

“Stupid reasons,” Blaine muttered into his mouth. Blaine’s hands clasped either side of Kurt’s face as he kissed him. Kurt’s hands flailed for a moment en route to Blaine’s back, one pulling at his shirt while the other slid onto his ass and  _ oh _ why had they not been doing this all year?

“Stupid,” Kurt gasped in agreement as Blaine’s mouth moved along his jaw and then started sucking at his neck. “I’m sorry, I--”

“Don’t apologize,” Blaine growled as he made his way back to Kurt’s lips. “Please, god, don’t waste any more time by apologizing.”

So Kurt didn’t. Instead he pulled Blaine closer, kissed him harder, and resolved to make the next few months make up for the last few.

After all, Kurt Hummel wasn’t really the kind of person to rush into things, but when you know, you know, and there’s no point in dancing around on the edge when glory is within reach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The [epilogue of I Kissed A Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5742652/chapters/13567366) occurs after this epilogue, and is the final installment of the story.


End file.
